A Risk Worth Taking
by KiahTrickster
Summary: Set before the end of S7E7, as Barbara's health fails a new and experimental treatment has been found that may save her. It is not medicine alone that may save her life, but not everyone wants to admit their part in the effort. Family bonds and faith are tested as the members of Nonnatus House pull together for one of their own, and others try to protect someone's secret.
1. Chapter 1

Set before the end of S7E7, as Barbara's health fails a new and experimental treatment has been found that may save her. It is not medicine alone that may save the young woman's life, though not everyone wants to admit their part in the effort. Family bonds and faith are tested as the members of Nonnatus House pull together for one of their own, and others try to protect someone's secret.

A Risk Worth Taking

The news that Barbara Hereward had rallied cheered all of them, it was the news that they had longed and prayed for. Meningococcal Septicemia was a serious disease, it could have lasting consequences, but they were all hoping for the best now. That meant they were still short handed and running on fumes as everyone strived to finish their work as well as the extra work with time to spare to slip by the hospital.

It seemed like her work never ended, especially since she had rejoined the roster to ease the burden on her colleagues; but her own administrative work must still be done. And so, she found ways to squeeze a few more hours into the day, enough time for her work and for a few moments to go to the hospital. Seeing Tom and Barbara together reassured her sense of hope, in the midst of all of this they clung to each other and the love they shared.

Still young, barely more than newlyweds in all this hardship they had a harbour in the storm; they had their faith and their love. And the prayers of their community. Sister Julienne paused in her work, life had shown her great joy and great hardship, she had learned to lift it all up in prayer, and to do it as often as needed.

A knock at the door had her looking up, calling out a welcome before rising as Dr. Turner entered. "What can I do for you today?"

"You may not want to ask me that, I intend to ask a lot of you. Will you sit?" Dr. Turner crossed quickly to her desk and sat across from her. "I must confess that I have betrayed your privacy in a manner and I intend to intrude even farther."

"You had better explain." She frowned and did sit.

"It is in relation to Mrs. Hereward. She has rebounded but I have spoken to her attending; she is not out of the woods yet." Dr. Turner explained, and she felt her shoulder's sag; she had hoped things were turning around. "Septicemia is a nasty disease, she may have beaten the infection, but it has taken its toll on her organs. It is the kidneys that have been hit the hardest by the infection."

"Oh no." The hope of that sweet young couple was about to be dashed, it would be hard on everyone.

"She at risk of renal failure. There is a possible course of treatment, but it is very new." Dr Turner leaned forward. "A person can live with only one kidney so long as it is healthy."

"But if she is in renal failure she doesn't, and the infection has taken a toll on her."

"You do, as far as I know you have two." Dr. Turner countered and for a moment she just sat silently. "There is further testing to be done but you have the same blood type."

"How do you know that?"

"Sister Julienne, I've been reviewing Barbara's records and speaking to her attending; I remembered your blood group. I've been doing some research into it, the first successful procedure was done in 1954 in America between siblings, but there have been a few successful non-relative transplants, last year they began using immunosuppressants that Barbara will take to help her body adjust." Dr. Turner explained, she felt as though her head was spinning. "There is more testing to be done, this may be as far as we can go but if you would only agree to the testing while you think about it; time is of the essence."

She could only nod numbly, the doctor excused himself, likely to get the supplies and returned to draw her blood. He took her hand and placed it on the bit of cotton pressed into the crook of her elbow; instinct and habit took over. She held it there as the doctor promised to get her the results as quickly as possible.

"I know this is new Sister, there is a great risk, but the possible reward is incredible for the Herewards. Otherwise her body will struggle and the day we won't be able to help her will come, even if we get her onto the artificial kidney her body may be to weak. I'm going to leave you some literature." The doctor laid some papers on her desk and rested his hand on them. "When you are ready to discuss it please contact me."

...

A/N: So the first successful kidney transplant took place in 1954, the first non related transplant took place in 1962 (couldn't find out if it was in England or the States) with the assistance of early immunosuppression drugs. I am not a doctor so there are probably going to be errors, it is only fanfiction but I apologize ahead of time for what I will probably get wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Carefully she shut herself in her room to read the literature Dr. Turner had left, she was reminded of Sister Monica Joan's longing to exchange places with the young girl. She had to wonder what good she could truly do, Barbara was only twenty-five, less than half her age and she should have an entire life ahead to look forward to; it was hard to see the Lord's will in things like this.

Shouldn't they ask someone closer in age to Barbara? She stopped that train of thought, something inside of her stopped it. Better her life risked than that of another young person, Dr. Turner would have thought of her age before he asked, he was searching for a way to save a friend's life; he wouldn't offer false hope.

And this was so new she wasn't sure where the church would stand on it. But it was intended to preserve life, to help others and it did not infringe on any of their vows. She prayed on it that night and the next before making a phone call; this was not a decision she could make alone. Nor was it one she could take to another here, they had enough to worry about as it was. Instead she called the mother house, after speaking to Mother Jesu- Emanuel the woman put a friend she had known for many years on the line.

The choice was her own, but the advice was sound, her dear sister simply asked what science said about her own life. The literature was quite clear, she could live with one kidney, and the concern seemed a strange one until the woman continued.

 _'This young woman is neither your sibling nor your daughter, if your bodies should match it must be a gift from above._ _Then has the Lord not offered you this great opportunity to make His love known and to serve His work in restoring a young woman? If the Lord had not intended it to be possible the body would not continue to function after the loss, it is not a modification made for pride or selfishness but one that can change the face of grief and loss, a gift given by our Lord.'_

Those wise words were a balm to her conscience and the knowledge that the church would not stand in her way if the tests came back that she was a match to Barbara, but it remained her decision. The decision itself was not difficult, she was not afraid to put herself into the Lord's hands; she would let His will be done through it.

However, it would shorten them another pair of hands, not to consider her own work and she knew the time it took to arrange coverage. By the time they got something sorted out with the mother house she would be back on her feet, though she should go to the mother house to recuperate; she could not inconvenience her colleagues further. There were many details to see to, but if the results came back things might move quickly.

She was jerked from her thoughts as Sister Winfred asked her to join them in the common room, Tom Hereward was here. As she joined the others she saw that the Turners were also present, and she glanced at him as they found their seats.

Waiting quietly as Tom stood at the end of the table, the young man was struggling to put his words together. Everyone had gathered and as the young man's silence stretched she glanced to Dr. Turner again, catching his eye this time; the man shook his head slightly. And given Nurse Crane's rapt attention she didn't have a warning on this impromptu meeting either.

"Barbara is stronger than she was but with the infection in her blood and the rest of it there has been damage. There has been irreparable damage to her some of her organs." As the curate choked out the words her fingers found the crook of her elbow as Sister Julienne felt her heart drop. "They aren't sure for how long they will be able to help her. Her kidneys are failing and with the continued…"

"Certainly, they will manage something with the artificial kidney, after all it is 1963." Nurse Crane huffed as the rest of the table sat in shock.

"Barbara is weak from the infection, there is a waiting list for such treatment; without immediate intervention..." Tom was struggling to maintain his composure as he repeated the words that must have been used to explain it to him.

Unable to find the right words to encourage or comfort any of them Sister Julienne took in the shocked faces. The details that had concerned her seemed so easy in this moment. She would give that girl her very heart if it brought her a few more years, the Lord could reveal so many things in a year or two.

As she rose her gaze met Sister Monica Joan's, and she nearly wept, she had been granted their dear sister's sincere wish, and without the cost of her own existence. Feeling desperately alone she went to chapel and knelt on the smooth wood, closing her eyes and allowing her heart to cry out to the Lord; in this moment there were not words. Her worries seemed foolish now, her questions and concerns pointless as a young life faded away; it was prideful to worry how Nonnatus house would run in her absence when there were greater problems at hand. They'd had a chance, the Lord had granted the medical advances that might save that girl and only just in time.

She was aware that someone else entered the chapel, but they did not come forward to kneel; she suspected it was one of the midwives but didn't turn to look. The nurses and midwives that shared this home with them may question their faith but over the years more than one had crept into the Lord's house seeking the same comfort that she did.

They were not very settled, and as she heard the creaking of someone shifting about she smiled a little; at least they sought solace here. Finally, she turned back to see who it was and was surprised to see Dr. Turner sitting behind her.

"I did not want to interrupt your prayers Sister, but I did want you to know that Tom doesn't have all the facts; neither do we. I've just spoken with the London, there has been a development and they want you at the hospital if you are willing to consider it." The doctor approached and held out a hand, it took a moment for his words to sink in before she took it and stood.

"Does that mean there is still a chance?" She hesitated to hope, but the doctor nodded.

They slipped away without explanation and when they arrived at the London she let him lead her to a part of the hospital she hadn't been in. It was administrative and away from the wards, and the isolation unit. After a quick knock Dr. Turner held the door open, a woman looked up at them from the desk.

"Sister Julienne this is Dr. Blackwood, she has only just returned from a stay in America, Boston to be exact." Dr. Turner explained as they entered.

"I trained here first in the Elisabeth Garrett Anderson Hospital, I went to Boston for some experience and while I have not performed the procedure myself I have observed. Two surgical teams will be required, I will be your surgeon." The doctor rose and offered her hand as she explained.

"I am afraid that not many were willing to consider taking such a risk, this procedure is new and there isn't a surgeon here who has performed an extraction. Dr. Blackwood is willing to try." Dr. Turner added, still standing between them and watching; as though waiting for something to go wrong.

Exhaling a steadying breath Sister Julienne reached for the outstretched hand. "Then you had better tell me what you need."

She couldn't deny that there was a bit of comfort in having a female surgeon and she took the chair the woman gestured to. Dr. Turner slipped away, promising to wait for her, and the woman began to review the procedure. Dr. Blackwood struck her as capable, the woman didn't mince words or waste time with reassurances. The outcome was not guaranteed but if it worked the results would be promising, however there was a price. Her recovery would be long, she would do the initial recovery in hospital for a fortnight but then she would go home on bedrest; it would be weeks after that before her strength returned.

The woman explained about the scarring, seeming hesitant as though that would be a factor in her decision; the scar was one thing she was not concerned about. That was something for the young woman on the other side of this to worry about, and Lord willing she would have the opportunity.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you to Hossfan, Wildatheartfan and Siepie for taking the time to review, I really appreciate it.

Chapter Three

The news had shocked them all, Barbara was a dear friend and colleague, until a few days ago she had seemed so young and vibrant; so healthy. It was hard to reconcile that with the notion that soon she would be gone. Valerie Dyer had lost friends before, she had lost family members too, but not like this; not to their own bodies. It was 1963, they had so much medicine, there were so many new developments, but it would be an infection that killed a twenty-five-year-old woman; it seemed archaic. It should be a story from the past, or from an ill-equipped tent hospital on the battle lines; not a reputable hospital.

As her friends reeled she waited for steadying words from Sister Julienne, when she finally turned to look down the table she realized the woman in charge of Nonnatus house was gone. Her spot was empty and there was going to be no soothing words of faith or reason. She'd never seen that woman shaken before, most believed the woman gentle and quiet but after coming to work here she had seen a different side of the nun their community thought they knew. She wasn't sure she'd known a stronger woman in all her life, Sister Julienne gave care without judging, and truly listened to the concerns expressed.

She'd nursed in the army, it had been her only hesitation at coming here to work after her experiences in the past; she wanted to care. Those experiences had rocked and slowly had a part in eroding her faith, life itself had done the rest. So much senseless pain and suffering, it was hard to believe in a loving God. And yet the nuns of this house did, and they lived it out in a quiet and true way, pouring their lives into not only their faith but their community as well. One they had adopted rather than been born into, something Valerie had witnessed growing up.

Valerie Dyer had grown up with family around her but in coming here she had found another; they weren't just coworkers. And perhaps Sister Julienne's reaction proved that more than anything, the veteran nurse and midwife was not an easy person to upset and even harder to unsettle enough that she would let it show.

Somewhat worried she slipped away, she found the woman in the first spot she checked; chapel. And for a moment she stood frozen, Sister Julienne made a compelling picture, kneeling before the alter with hands clasped and face turned upward; lips moving in a whispered prayer. That was absolute faith, in desperation her first reaction was to turn to God; a stark contrast to the uncharitable thoughts that had been running through Valerie's mind.

For a moment she felt the tug, but the only thing she could think to ask was why. Why Barbara? Why should she die like this? Why do this if He was supposed to love them so much? But Valerie knew she wasn't going to get an answer.

The door creaked slightly, and Dr. Turner motioned for her to come out into the hall. "I need to speak privately with Sister Julienne, the timing is horrible, but I sent away a referral for her and I've just received a response."

"Is she unwell?" Nonnatus house could only stand so many blows, and right now she wasn't sure she could handle another. With Trixie away, Lucille still new and Phyllis so deeply affected by what was happening to Barbara she had been trying to be the steady one.

"We're in no danger of losing her but she may need to go away for a little while." The doctor had his best soothing voice on and she nodded more out habit than agreement. "Nurse Dyer, Sister Julienne hasn't discussed it so please respect her privacy; and consider it when speaking to the others."

"Of course." It didn't surprise her that the nun kept her own problems to herself, they all dumped enough of theirs onto her and no one had noticed she had her own.

She returned to the common area and tried to steady her friends, she didn't have words of comfort, but she had a good shoulder and sense of how to help. She sent Phyllis upstairs and brought her a cup of tea; the older woman was barely holding it together but would not want to break down in front of the others. Sister Winifred took care of Sister Monica Joan and Lucille went up with them.

Later that evening they gathered again, and Dr. Turner explained that Sister Julienne was going to be away for a time; reassuring them they didn't need to worry about her. They were quiet as they went back to the clinical room, preparing for the busy day that would come tomorrow; and finally discussing the news.

"Do you know when Sister Julienne will be back?" Sister Winifred looked expectantly at Nurse Crane.

"I do not know, I haven't been informed of her plans." Nurse Crane replied stiffly, and silence fell in the room until Mrs. Turner spoke up.

"It will be a week or so at least, and she will need some rest when she does get back."

"Well at least some of us are informed." Mrs. Turner shrank back a little under an irritated stare from Nurse Crane.

"I didn't mean to keep it from you, I don't have any details beyond that. Dr. Turner doesn't either; there are certain things he doesn't handle." Mrs. Turner looked around, there was concern on each face.

"I find that to be highly unlikely, especially as he was the one to secret her away." Nurse Crane snapped her bag shut.

"There are certain matters Sister Julienne would not be likely to discuss with Dr. Turner, or with us. I believe it was poor timing more than anything, she was referred to a female doctor if that clarifies anything for you; and I am sure she would want our concern to be with Mrs. Hereward." Mrs. Turner reported just a little sharply.

"I think that clarifies everything, and we know she is okay." Valerie responded before either woman got their back up any more, tensions were high, and everyone was tired; they didn't need to go at each other.

There was a resigned acceptance as she was gone, and with the reality that they would be losing a dear friend soon her absence was somewhat overshadowed. That the nun did not explain it herself was either overlooked or unspoken, but Valerie had noticed the tension in the doctor's shoulders.

Phyllis had been preparing to go to the hospital to sit with Barbara but redirected to review the roster and update her rolodex.

"This is most inconvenient, at least the administrative matters are in hand for now but the roster." The nurse muttered as she scratched out one name for another. "And she had to take the night shift too."

"I will cover the night shift, I'll work it like I did in the army, leave the menial tasks for me to do during the night; it will free up some time during the day." Valerie volunteered, much for the same reason that Sister Julienne probably had; it was a fast way to smooth ruffled feathers.

"Excellent and if we all divide your rounds between us but eliminate our tasks here, and with Mrs. Turner's help it might be manageable." The woman sighed as she adjusted lists and names. "I will make you a list of what will need to be done for us to get through the day."

"Of course." She forced a smile and knew it was going to be a long stretch.

"I don't know how I am going to make time to visit Barbara." The woman murmured softly.

"Make the time Phyllis, I will start early if I need to but make the time for her; she doesn't have much left." Her throat closed at the words, but Barbara needed those who loved her nearby in these last days more than ever; and she needed them before the end came.

She heard the phone ring, but it was Sister Winifred who answered, the nun turned to them and the look on her face made her heart sink. "Nurse Crane, Mr. Hereward wants you to come to the hospital."

For a moment the older nurse stood in shock, pen still in her hand and Valerie could see her reserves breaking. "I'll get your coat, don't worry about the roster just go."

Night shift was never pleasant, Valerie had a hard time switching her sleep but tonight she was glad to be on it. The others may have retreated to their rooms, but no one was sleeping well tonight. Lucille was second on call and had sat up with her for a time, company eased the wait but only by a little; she wasn't sure whether they were hoping for the phone to ring or dreading it.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Her fingers traced the glass lightly as she looked at the young woman as the nurse attached an IV to Barbara's arm. It was the medicine that would allow the young woman's body to accept the kidney they would take from her. The rash was the dangerous part, the indicator of the blood infection which had wreaked havoc on a young strong body. The penicillin had done its work the doctor said, but it was still dangerous to use these new drugs; however, as the two of them were not related the drugs were necessary.

"Sister, she is resting, but I think we can let you go in and sit with her for a few moments." The nurse gave her a gentle smile. "I am afraid I will have to insist on a mask and gown, the medications increase the risk of infection for Mrs. Hereward and that it too dangerous."

"Of course." Sister Julienne put on the mask and gown before following the nurse in and taking the chair by her bed.

Several of her fingers had been damaged and if that wasn't the end of her career as a midwife this would be. The procedure might save Barbara's life, but the medications would mean that her risk of infection would always be increased; she could not work with the sick anymore. It didn't seem quite a fair trade.

The young woman hardly stirred as she took her hand, still Sister Julienne held it between her own. If Tom Hereward agreed she would be unconscious soon, they were taking a chance, but if they did nothing the outcome was sure; but there was the risk it would not work. That thought weighed heavily on her, if this did not work they may shorten whatever time Barbara had left; she did not envy Mr. Hereward's decision.

Though it was one he would have to make without one fact and she had been adamant about it, with Dr. Blackwood and Dr. Turner; no one from Nonnatus was to know she was involved. Mr. Hereward needed to make the decision with his wife's future in mind, he had to be told the procedure was new, and that it was risky but not that there was another life involved. She would not have his conscience split like that, the doctors had agreed there was no need to specify that the kidney came from a living donor; and in this patient confidentiality protected her.

"This is her best chance, a year ago we might not have even been able to offer her this. Perhaps God is in this that it is her kidneys that failed and not something else; the one thing we've some idea how to replace." The nurse watched her for a moment and Sister Julienne glance up; it didn't mean it wouldn't spread between the medical staff.

"The Lord is in all things and He has His reasons." She tried to steady herself with that thought, they had come to this and been shown a way through it. "May I stay a moment longer?"

The nurse nodded. "Your surgeon is waiting, but Mr. Hereward is with the doctors."

After the woman left Sister Julienne closed her eyes. "Lord we put ourselves into your hands and ask for your strength, your healing hand; and courage. Let thy will be done."

She squeezed the young midwife's hand, hoping the young woman could feel it; that she would hold on. Then rose, Dr. Blackwood stood in the waiting area as she stripped off the gown and mask. "Mr. Hereward has agreed."

"But we don't have much time, do we?" Sister Julienne knew

"No, her doctors are explaining the procedure to Mr. Hereward now, but we need to proceed. If she becomes to weak the surgery itself could kill her. She will have to stay in hospital much longer than you will but once you are strong enough you will be able to visit her."

"I may be in Chichester; the mother house of the order is there." It was enough that she had Dr. Turner making her excuses at the house; and asking that he keep the details to himself.

"I would advise against that. Poplar would be much closer, and you will find that the trip will be difficult." The doctor cautioned.

"I will think about it, but I must also consider my sisters; and do as I am asked. I am afraid I must make some arrangements." She would do her initial recovery here, perhaps she would be able to go home after; but not if she would become a burden there.

"Would it be rude to inquire?"

"I am sister-in-charge of Nonnatus house, I need to let the mother house know of my absence. I appreciate the urgency of the present situation, Barbara Hereward is dear to all of us and I want to do anything that I can, but it is difficult to be away for such a time." And to do it without notice made it even more complicated.

"Not much notice in this I am afraid, your test results were rushed, and we don't have time to waste. You might use my office, there is a telephone and some privacy."

The details of coverage however were no easier than she expected, Mother Jesu- Emmanuel did not pry when she did not specify the reason for her absence; the woman understood the delicacy of the matter. But their order had other vocations and callings, they were short handed in other areas as well; they didn't have a replacement handy. And she knew it well, Nonnatus House had felt it too.

When her superior asked if she would consider repairing at the house and managing what she was able Sister Julienne found herself agreeing. And for a reason that was not wholly appropriate, she did not want them to be forced to find a replacement; last time it had resulted in her demotion. She did not want to lose her place, Nonnatus house was her life calling, and she did not want to be away from people she counted as family; even if she could not offer much support.

But it left her with another issue and when Dr. Blackwood returned she squared her shoulders. "How long will I have to stay in hospital?"

"We do not have a standard for this, I cannot tell you how you will heal but I can tell you it will take time." The doctor frowned, they both knew where this was going.

"I need to return to Nonnatus house as soon as possible, I will go home on bed rest and my duties will be administrative only. But it will be at the end of the week; I have things arranged that far ahead." She had enough experience to know it wasn't going to be easy, but it could be done.

"We both know you can leave against my advice, but you will need time, more than a week I would think; and support when you go home." The last part of the doctor's warning might be tricky, but it would depend on exactly what that incision ended up being, but they wouldn't know that until it was done.

"I will take the time, I promise you that; but I need to do it at home." And she could manage it, she had a week to figure out just how to go about it.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Phyllis didn't return, and the phone didn't ring again. The nuns rose at dawn for prayer and she wondered if the ritual offered them any comfort or if it was simply habit. She couldn't see any comfort in this, couldn't see any sense in it either.

When she heard the creak of the front door Valerie froze, she didn't want to know, she wanted to hope for just a few more minutes but Phyllis shouldn't be alone and numbly she went to find her. Phyllis looked like death warmed over herself and for a moment they just eyed each other.

"Is she…" She couldn't quite speak the words.

"No, no she is not, and she might not be for a good long time." Phyllis let out a sigh. "She's just out of theatre, those doctors put their heads together and came up with something useful."

"I'll get you a cup of tea." She was nearly shaking in relief but was spared putting the kettle on by Sister Winifred; the nuns had finished with their prayers and joined them to hear the news.

As they all sat at the table Phyllis explained, the waiting list for the artificial kidney was long and the treatment would permanently tie Barbara to a hospital bed; if it was enough to help her. A new procedure had been suggested and apparently a suitable organ had become available. The doctors were going to give Barbara a new, healthy kidney which would drastically improve her chances. The implanted organ would be a part of her, taking over the functions of hers and allow her to live a normal life. It sounded like Tom had struggled with the decision, it was new and experimental, but the man had decided to go ahead with it in the end. Barbara had spent the early hours of the morning in surgery and now they had to wait.

"Does that mean someone else has died then?" Sister Winifred asked softly.

"Lass, I didn't ask, I just hope it works." Phyllis sighed. "I am going to change my clothes, do my rounds and go back to the hospital; I will call with any news."

When her shift ended Valerie collapsed into bed exhausted, somehow relief made her feel even more drained. There were no guarantees but there was a chance now, and that was something. Part of her was thankful she could sleep the day away, everyone who had tried to sleep last night had to work today. She would get a good nap in and then go to the hospital herself.

…

Trying to move hurt, but Barbara forced herself to lift her hand; opening her eyes to see it. The discoloration in the tips of her fingers hadn't gotten any worse but her head felt so foggy; it must be whatever they were giving her to ease the pain.

Licking her lips to wet them a little she turned her head; hoping Tom might be at the window. She wished he was here, that his strong hand was wrapped around hers and that she could hear his soothing voice. She didn't want to hurt him like this, she didn't want to leave.

Barbara didn't remember falling asleep, she'd been alone and then a nurse had been there; saying something about a new medicine. She'd felt like she was drifting and there had been a familiar voice then, praying for her and holding her hand tightly; it bothered her that she couldn't place it. And it had felt impossible to open her eyes. She didn't want to pray right now, Tom had sat by her bed for hours praying, murmuring promises and questions; hurting more with each one.

Her father had taught her since she was a little girl that one didn't try to bargain with God; His ways were higher. But right now, she would, she would beg borrow or steal one more day with Tom, one more chance to see her father; a moment to say good bye properly.

She wanted to be warm, she wanted to see who was holding her hand, to tell them to stop talking, stop asking for strength and courage; just hold her hand and never let go. Sleep wasn't giving her an option, it was creeping closer and she didn't have the energy to fight it; but she still heard voices around her. And then nothing.

But she was awake now, in the same dim room, her body still aching and her head heavy. Suddenly the door opened, a nurse stepped in, looked at her and then turned around. A moment later the nurse came back with another and they began to poke and prod.

She was instructed to lay still, and they began to shift her gown aside; there was a dressing covering most of her right side. Confused Barbara tried to touch it, hands stopped her quickly. "Let us work Mrs. Hereward, your husband can come in soon; he's been waiting to see you."

Barbara tolerated the nurses prodding at her, wishing she had the strength to put up; to see what they had done to her side; it felt worse than before. Finally, they finished, and Tom was ushered in, she nearly wept in relief as his hand closed tightly around hers.

"My darling, it is so good to see you awake." There was no feeling in her fingers, but she could see his hand linked with hers and feel his grip through her palm.

"I'm getting worse." She whispered, he sounded so hopeful and there was excitement in his eyes; he was never going to give up.

"No, no you are not; you are healing." He kissed her cheek; the fabric of his mask tickling her cheek and lifted her hand still entwined with his. "Barbara, we tried to explain it, but you were so weak, and we needed to act. I agreed to it because I can't do without you, and we've got one more shot. Do you remember the doctor and the nurse talking about a new medicine?"

"It is all rather fuzzy, but I trust you." She remembered someone talking about new medicine; but she couldn't keep any of it straight. He was her husband, when she was in this state explaining it to her was probably just routine; she was in no shape to make any sort of decisions.

"That's okay, when you are stronger we will explain all of it. For now, you need to rest, and I promise I will be right here." This time she chose to close her eyes and hold onto his hand.

...

Thanks to everyone who is taking the time to read this story, and those who've followed and reviewed it. I appreciate it.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

She was not used to sitting still, and she wasn't very good at it even though her side was enough to make her try. The doctor was right, her right side was sore and sensitive, she felt each movement along the incision and too much made her ache. Not considering the tubes she was trying not pull.

Sister Julienne was beginning to test those limits now, for the first day she had done her best to lay still as her body felt heavy and what movement she had tried pushed pain through the haze of the morphine. The incision was going to be inconvenient for some time, she had traced the bandages with her fingers; only stopping when the nurse began to pull the curtains around her bed.

Dr. Blackwood stepped around the curtain and took the notes off the end of the bed, moving to her side. "How are you feeling this morning? Is the pain manageable?"

"I am fine." Sister Julienne started to shift as the woman reviewed the notes; she wanted to sit up.

"Just lay back for a moment." The doctor stopped her and shifted the hospital gown aside; then began to remove the dressing.

"How is Barbara doing?" She tried to distract herself from the woman poking along her side.

"About as well as can be expected, she is resting." The doctor wouldn't say much more, she knew it was too soon to know for sure; it would take time to see how Barbara's body would respond. They just had to wait, as the doctor turned to update the chart she slid her left hand across her body; she had yet to see the incision herself. "Let me help you."

The doctor guided her hand to the bottom of her rib cage and down on an angle; no wonder her side ached. She pressed in a few spots herself before it was redressed; it was going to take some time to heal. It was no wonder that she couldn't turn to her right.

"May I sit up for a little while?" Sister Julienne asked, she had a feeling that was going to be the test of this.

A hand slid under her shoulders and helped her sit up. The bed was adjusted so she was in a sitting position, trying not to wince as she settled; a little surprised by how much she felt the change. Still it was a step in the right direction, and she knew she needed to start moving again; even just a bit at a time.

…

Without Sister Julienne the house seemed slightly more chaotic, the mystery of her absence unsettled Sister Monica Joan most of all. In the past few days they had heard nearly every possibility for her absence and any hope she had of sleeping during the day had vanished. Valerie settled for napping between upsets, everyone on dayshift was so busy without trying to keep track of the elderly nun; it was enough that they took her to clinic with them.

She had been just dozing off when she heard a crash downstairs and with a sigh rolled out of bed. But when she made her way down to the kitchen it wasn't the nun she found, instead Nurse Crane crouched down picking up pieces of a broken cup. Grabbing a cloth Valerie laid it over the spilt tea.

"Did I wake you lass? I am sorry." The woman's hand trembled slightly, and she frowned; was Phyllis struggling more than she let on?

"No, Sister Monica Joan had a disagreement with the television a little while ago; I thought this might be round two. Let me get this." Gently nudging the woman aside; that she allowed it spoke volumes. And Valerie could think of only one cause. "Did you go to see Barbara?"

The woman nodded silently, Valerie set a fresh cup of tea beside her, then poured one for herself. She hadn't been since they'd been told the doctors were going to try a new experimental treatment to help Barbara, but Phyllis slipped away as often as she could manage; the woman was still worried.

"Has it worked?" That was the risk with new medicine, the tried and true felt safe but there was always someone who had to go first.

"She is in good spirits and so far, the procedure seems like a success. But she is at an even greater risk of infection." The woman sighed, turning the mug in her hands rather than drinking from it.

"She's strong, she's young and she won't give up easy; it has only been a few days. Give her time." At least now they didn't hold their breath every time the telephone rang.

"Tom is just about to the end of his rope, but he is afraid to leave her side; he doesn't want her to be alone. I hate seeing her like this." The woman finally took a sip of her drink as Valerie searched for the right words.

In the end she just sat with her colleague, company seemed more effective than words and after a sweet cup of tea Phyllis seemed to have regained herself and disappeared into the clinical room murmuring something about taking a few things off her plate. In the absence of an answer the woman would work herself to the bone.

...

Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed. Sorry for the delay on this chapter


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Over the course of the next week they all had their moments, Barbara was dear to Phyllis, but she was a friend to all of them. A week stretched on like a month and night shift was taking its toll on her; but they were managing. Babies were safely delivered all throughout the district and clinics ran as usual even if some of the other programs were temporarily suspended.

Poplar pulled together, and none complained as the Nonnatuns stretched thin to meet the needs of their community while their hearts were with the young couple in the hospital. When Barbara did come home she wasn't going to need to lift a finger for weeks, a list had already gone around as people signed up bring meals and little gifts piled up as tokens of support from parishioners, thankful new mothers and friends. It was moments like this when she was proud to be from the East End, they might not have much, but they knew how to pull together.

…

It was late, the ward was quiet and visiting hours were over for the evening. She didn't like to admit it that she found visiting hours lonely, in Nonnatus house things were rarely quiet; and one was never alone. She wasn't alone here either, there were patients in the beds on either side of her, nurses and orderlies moving about and doctors coming in and out; but it was a far different from home.

She rose and crossed slowly to lavatory, it wasn't as much a matter of needing it as an excuse to get up and move around for a few moments. Her short excursions were not comfortable, and she was not as strong as she wanted to be; but it would take moving about to fix that. When she returned she found a different nurse standing by her empty bed; it took her a moment to recognize the woman as the one who had let her in to see Barbara when all of this began.

"Has something happened?" Her chest tightened, and she dropped down to sit on the bed a little faster than she might have. "Is Barbara alright?"

"Yes, don't worry, she is doing well." The woman touched her shoulder in a gesture Sister Julienne had used many times herself with patients. "I am aware of your choice, but I can't believe the consequence of it is easy; being alone in here."

"I can manage." She was confident that it was right, that much she knew, and it was worth it. "Is she improving?"

"Yes, she is. Why don't I take you to see her? We've given her something to help her sleep and Mr. Hereward has gone home for the night."

"You don't have to, it's not your job and visiting hours are over." But Sister Julienne felt a longing tightening in her chest, the scarce updates she could get from her doctor were not enough. She was still afraid that the moment would come when someone would stand at her bedside and tell her this hadn't been enough.

"I don't think we should start discussing what one has to do; or you wouldn't be here." The woman gave her a long look. "And this might be good for your recovery."

"Thank you." Sister Julienne rose eagerly, only for that hand to shift from resting on her shoulder to pushing it down.

"I'll get a chair, you shouldn't be on your feet yet; you've had major surgery." There was the firm tone of the nurse to patient and obediently she waited.

She would rather try to walk it and see how far she could make it, but the nurse was already breaking enough rules for her. The halls were quiet now and once she had the mask and gown on the nurse did let her leave the wheelchair behind, and she sat next to Barbara's bed.

The young woman was sound asleep, tubes ran from her body but that was to be expected; Sister Julienne had only shed hers the day before. Her throat felt thick as she studied her, she had told herself she was doing this the right way, and she still believed that. However, it meant keeping her distance, and getting information second hand; she hadn't seen Barbara since the night before the procedure.

Now the discoloration in her fingers was nearly gone, two fingers slid around the girl's wrist and felt the strong steady pulse there. Watching her chest rise and fall in smooth peaceful motions and the soft snore that likely would have embarrassed Barbara made Sister Julienne smile. There were definite improvements from the last time she had seen her, small but sure signs that Barbara was healing.

"The rash is clearing up." She murmured softly, word did not justify the relief in seeing that.

"It is, and her strength is returning. The IV is to maintain fluids though her appetite is picking up again now. And so far, your kidney has been doing its job…"

"Hers." Sister Julienne corrected quietly, gently brushing Barbara's hair back against the pillow. "Will her scarring be very bad?"

"No worse than yours, but she's alive, and without the scar she wouldn't be." The nurse dismissed the question with the ease of someone focused on the bigger picture.

In this she could admit she had no objectivity, no one from Nonnatus house could when it came to family. The signs of those who cared for Barbara Hereward surrounded her, cards had been brought in from children in the community and the orderly piles of night gowns and personal things indicated Nurse Crane's presence. Knowing the young woman was not alone comforted her.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this story and those who've reviewed.

Chapter Eight

One of their ladies went early and called her out in the early hours of the morning; a difficult delivery had both mother and baby transferred to hospital. The poor woman had no family in here, her husband was away at sea and so Valerie packed a case and took it to the hospital.

Since she was already there she slipped around by the isolation unit, the nursing staff must be tired of them as no one kept to visiting hours. But the nurse who stood outside updating her notes only nodded to her and Valerie murmured her appreciation before putting on a gown.

"Hello." Barbara smiled at her and sitting, propped up in the bed with pillows.

"You are looking better." She pulled up a chair next to the bed and dropped into it. "Ah, it's good to get off my feet."

"Long night?"

"No, not too bad, night shift is not my friend…" She hesitated, she wasn't sure Barbara should be concerned with the details of her night.

"Valerie don't shelter me. I am already cooped up in here; I look forward to any news from home. Tom does try but he doesn't know about any of my ladies and Phyllis can't be here everyday; they are both so tired." Barbara reached for her hand.

With a smile she began to replay the night and catch her up on Sister Monica Joan's antics. The pace they were delivering babies had not let up, and everyone had one or two interesting experiences in the mix. And at the house Fred was building the nun a new book case; her aunt had some left-over lumber from a renovation at the pub and was happy to let them have it. It kept Sister Monica Joan busy, and when everyone was running in different directions it helped.

There was a soft cough behind her and Barbara's face fell, Valerie turned to see a nurse setting up a cart. "Time for a dressing change."

"Let Valerie stay; please?" Barbara asked as she rose, grabbing her hands. "I promise she has seen worse; maybe even already this morning."

"I don't want to intrude." Valerie glanced between Barbara and the nurse.

"I take it you are colleagues?" The nurse commented, pushing the cart to the bedside as Barbara tugged her back into the seat.

She nodded as the bed was lowered and Barbara shifted her night gown; revealing a large dressing taped over most of her right side. She had to collect her own nerve as the long, neat incision was revealed and when she pulled herself away from the fact it was her friend's body she could tell it looked like it was healing. The nurses would be monitoring it carefully given Barbara's situation, but the rash had already faded from her skin, leaving only a few of the worst patches that her body was still dealing with; all signs were her body was on the mend.

"It's rather shocking, I had to see it a few times to get used to it; Tom hasn't seen yet. But he knows about it, they've told him it is quite long." Barbara murmured after the nurse left, hands smoothing nervously over the covers.

"He knows it saved your life so for that he had better learn to like it." Valerie tried to put on a cheery face, the curate was not a shallow man and they had all seen how heartbroken he had been at the thought of loosing his wife; a scar would not be that important to him.

"And we may still be able to have our own baby, I asked that. We will have to wait until I heal and am on a lower dose of the medication, but they don't think its impossible."

But as she nodded she knew that meant Barbara knew now that her career as a nurse and midwife was over. Was her presence here helping or reminding her of something she couldn't have? She should have changed out of her uniform before coming. Phyllis had told them that feeling hadn't returned to the fingers in one hand; at this point regaining sensation was very unlikely.

She stayed with her friend until Tom arrived and left husband and wife together. The night finally hitting her as she headed home, she wasn't surprised to find the house empty when she arrived. All of their new and expectant mothers had been instructed to call the Maternity home during the day and only ring Nonnatus at night. It meant they could have an extra pair of hands unless there was a call out; and so far, it had worked well. No one was discussing what they would do in the long run.

Valerie saw that Fred's van was gone and assumed that Sister Monica Joan had gone with the handyman. She went down to the kitchen and made herself some tea and toast, she needed something before heading to bed. When she heard the door open Valerie rose, she knew Phyllis had been to see Barbara last night but Lucille had been called out and unable to go with her; she would probably appreciate the update.

It wasn't a nurse standing in the front hall but one of the nuns, and as the woman turned toward her Valerie realized it was one they had all been missing. "Sister Julienne; you are home!"

"Yes." The woman's smile was not as bright as it might have been, and blue eyes were guarded. "It is good to be home."

"Everything went well then? I mean…" The nun hadn't wanted to talk about it when she left, and Valerie realized she probably wasn't any more inclined to now. "I'm sorry I know it isn't something you wanted to discuss but they've let you come home."

"I believe it was a success. How is everyone here?" Valerie didn't miss the hand that reached out to the post of the banister for balance as the woman made her inquiry.

"Good, we're managing. Have you had any news on Barbara? I was just in to see her and she is doing so much better; you wouldn't have heard but they found a procedure that was able to help her. Nurse Crane can probably explain it better than me."

"That is excellent news." The brightness in her eyes flashed quickly but faded as she glanced up the stairs.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I can give you a hand upstairs, you should probably lie down." She reached for the nun's hand at her nod.

Carefully Valerie shifted to stand beside her, it didn't take long to see that Sister Julienne was in rough shape herself. She might be on her feet, but it wasn't without effort and it was sheer determination that was keeping here there. As they climbed Valerie felt her putting more weight onto her arm and her knuckles were white on the banister.

Quickly she shifted the woman's grip to her other hand and wrapped an arm around her. Sister Julienne's breath hitched in for a moment and as her hand touched the woman's side she felt bulky bandages; she didn't apply pressure but shifted the hand up until she was clear. Stepping behind the woman she hitched her hands under her arm pits, her greater height allowing her to take more of the woman's weight.

They made it to the landing and then to the door of the nun's room. She lowered the woman to sit on the bed, trying not to look around; she'd never been in Sister Julienne's room, but she wasn't going to pry now.

"You sit there, I'm going to get you a cup of tea, is there anything else you want?" She didn't offer the woman a choice on the tea, fluids would do her good, but the empty cup would be an excuse to come back and check on her later.

"Thank you, but if you wouldn't mind I do need the ledger from my office; it is heavy."

"More reason for me to get it, I'll be back in two shakes." Valerie tried for a reassuring smile and hustled down the stairs to fetch the ledger and the drink.

Sister Julienne wasn't kidding, the ledger, complete with receipts and notes piled on top was heavy. She set the ledger on the desk by the window and carried the cup of tea to the bedside table, Valerie noticed the woman's wince as she reached up to remove her wimple; the motion was difficult for her.

There was a piece of paper on the table and the scrawl caught her attention; it was a prescription. "Let me fill that for you."

"You're on nights Nurse Dyer, you need to get some sleep." Sister Julienne protested as Valerie scooped up the piece of paper.

"I'm still in my uniform and it won't take long." Valerie escaped before the protest could continue; if a doctor had prescribed such strong pain killers than the woman needed them.

By the time she made it back Fred was in the upstairs hall and Sister Monica Joan sat on the edge of Sister Julienne's bed. Valerie didn't intrude, she set the paper bag on the nightstand and slipped away; her own bed was calling.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

Tom and the nurse helped her from the bed to a chair nearby. Tom had been allowed to forgo the mask today and he pulled his chair close to hers. "It is so good to see you up and moving."

"It was only about ten steps." She smiled, finally able to kiss him properly.

"There was a moment when I wasn't sure you would open your eyes and look at me again."

"I am looking at you now, and I am glad you took a chance on me." Barbara squeezed his hand, she knew that had been hard for him.

Both Tom and the doctor had explained the procedure, and that she was alive because of his choice; and another family's. It had weighed heavily on Tom, it still did, and she could see it on him whenever the doctor came in.

As his thumb traced her cheek she covered it with her own. "I had nothing left to lose, and everything to gain. They had already told me I would lose you without it. What amazes me is that someone's family was willing to make the choice to let them operate; for us. Whoever they are they gave us a second chance."

"Phyllis has done some research, apparently one can live quite safely with one kidney; though there will a doctor in our lives regularly from now on." She murmured, but her own mind began wandering along that road. "But we can be thankful."

"Yes, we can, and we can start to think about getting you home. Phyllis is planning to stay with us at first." Tom informed her, and Barbara's smile faltered a little.

Her friend meant well, and her quick thinking had got her to the hospital in time a little over a week ago; but she could be a strict nurse. They said nurses made the worst patients, between Tom and Phyllis she wasn't going to be allowed to get away with anything for some time.

…

Valerie wasn't sure what woke her but was on her feet when she heard a groan and Sister Monica Joan in the hall murmuring. "Oh dear."

Stepping out of her room and hustling down the hall she nearly tripped over a stack of books piled next to the banister. But it was the sight in front of her that kept her moving; Sister Julienne was sprawled on the floor. "Sister, what is going on?"

"The volumes of Freke have been creating chaos, as is their way." Sister Monica Joan replied as she knelt next to the woman on the floor.

"Okay. How about Freke and his friends go back to your room? Fred must have that shelf up by now. Let me see to her." Valerie eased the older nun aside to take her place, pulling a book out from under the nun sprawled on the floor, she had been in no shape to be dodging obstacles, but Valerie tried not to let her fear show.

There was more color in Sister Julienne's cap than in her face and Valerie placed a hand on her shoulder to stop the woman's attempt to rise. As Sister Monica Joan took an arm full of books back to her room Valerie crossed quickly to the closed door next to it.

The paper bag she had left earlier still sat untouched on the nightstand, ripping it open she scanned the contents and prepared a syringe. Sister Julienne hadn't taken any of the pills, which she was supposed to have every six hours, or used the stronger as needed injections; one was certainly needed now.

"A quick jab." She warned, hiking the habit up and delivering it before there was any protest. "Right then, we'll get you back to bed and I'll ring doctor."

"I don't need the doctor; not unless my stitches have ripped out. I will check." Sister Julienne was trying again to push herself up.

Valerie shifted her grip and lifted the woman to her feet, the nun's forehead rested against her shoulder and she wondered if the deep breaths the woman was sucking in were helping or not; she was practically trembling. "No Sister Julienne, I am going to check."

She took a steadying breath herself and then helped Sister Julienne back to her room. In this moment she wished for her uniform rather than her pajamas, something to reinforce that this was necessary and were if it any of their patients it would seem easy; but this was her colleague.

The woman hissed through her teeth as Valerie helped her to lay back. Sister Julienne had her eyes shut and hands clenched at her sides as Valerie worked the fastenings on the habit, revealing a large dressing covering her right side. Something inside of her clenched before she even pulled it back.

"Nurse Dyer…" Sister Julienne murmured as Valerie stood frozen looking at the long row of dark stitches slashing down the woman's right side. She stepped back, her throat tightened, and froze.

Barbara was alive because she had been given a kidney, had any of them given proper thought to what that meant? The question had been voiced and dismissed in their excitement; their friend was to be restored to them. But it came at a cost and now she knew who had paid it.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

She didn't have the strength to protest, instead she had leaned into Valerie Dyer and been grateful for the young woman. Her body hurt, and she wasn't sure she would have had the strength to deal with Sister Monica Joan and get herself off the floor.

The pain medication began to seep into her system and it was as strong as she expected, which was why she hadn't taken it earlier. She closed her eyes for a moment, she had been managing until she hit the floor but only just. The medicine was beginning to cloud her head and she had hoped to get started on updating the ledger this afternoon.

Nurse Valerie Dyer might be in her pyjamas but had shifted into work mode and she was any other patient; or for a moment she was. The nurse was quick and efficient in her assessment, not giving her time to protest, seeking the source of her pain, until she saw the incision and stepped away; their eyes locked.

"I am going to get some fresh dressings." The woman murmured quietly and turned on heel and disappeared.

Sister Julienne only closed her eyes a moment, Nurse Dyer knew without being told and she had to face that. The young woman was quick and as the door swung shut behind her Sister Julienne tried to push herself up. "Nurse Dyer I can manage, but please let me…"

"I don't doubt that, but you aren't doing it alone now." The nurse did not meet her eyes but focused on changing the dressing. Sister Julienne reached out and put a hand on her arm, she needed to explain; but the young woman shook it off and set it by her side. "Let's get this done, I'll pop back and check on you in a couple hours; if there are any changes you need to wake me up and I'll phone doctor."

"Please let me explain this." She paused in trying to bring up the subject that they needed to address; clearly Valerie Dyer didn't want to discuss it.

"Stitches are in place but I'm more concerned with internal bleeding. Let's get you into something you can rest in and we'll just have to watch." Nurse Dyer slid a hand behind her shoulders and the other behind her knees; a moment later she was sitting up.

"Nurse Dyer, I can change on my own and I am perfectly comfortable as I am." That might not be completely true, the effort of getting dressed this morning had made her hesitant to attempt getting out of the habit; but that didn't mean she wanted help.

"Then this will just help you get your mind off of work." The nurse had found her night gown and her habit, already mostly unfastened was slid off as the night gown slid over her head; she was glad of the handy trick the nurse had picked up somewhere.

"Thank you." And truly she was grateful as Nurse Dyer helped her lay back, willing to admit help had made it much easier and faster than she thought.

"You don't get to say that." There was something sharp in the woman's tone, again she would not meet her eyes, and easily dodged when Sister Julienne reached out to stop her. "I'll come back and check on you later."

She was left frowning at the abrupt change, it had been an awkward experience and she was sure that was felt on both sides, but it wasn't her protests that unsettled the nurse. Though she had said nothing about the incision that ran down her side Nurse Dyer's initial reaction had told her she had made an unsettling connection; the ex army nurse wasn't likely to be upset by a surgical mark after what she'd have seen.

Time ticked by, she needed to explain it to her and preferably before the whole house knew; some things were best left unsaid in times of stress. That the young woman didn't reappear was a good indicator she was getting some sleep, but concern kept Sister Julienne fighting the morphine; it wouldn't do for everyone to learn of this right now.

When the door opened she perked, trying to push herself up against the headboard; ready to force the discussion ahead. But it was her sisters, not the nurse and at first, she was cautious; unsure if Nurse Dyer had already shared her discovery.

They didn't know, Sister Monica Joan had captured Sister Winifred as soon as she returned from her rounds and it was impossible not to be taken in by their young sister's enthusiasm as she was updated on nearly everything she had missed in a matter of breaths. From the clinic and which mothers had gone into labour, to a fairly detailed account of Barbara's recovery; she could only smile as she hadn't a hope of getting a word in.

Their visit was followed by Nurses Crane and Anderson with the older of the two taking stock of the situation rather abruptly. "How long until you are able to resume full duties?"

"I will resume the administrative responsibilities immediately."

"And midwifery?"

"It will be some time before I am able, but I will see to the process of hiring a new midwife and inquire to Nurse Franklin's plans as her leave is nearly over." She would have to work on that.

"I see." Nurse Crane murmured.

"A Mrs. Lake is adamant that you deliver her baby, but she didn't stay for any checks and we don't have her on our books, but don't you worry yourself about it. We will find her." Nurse Anderson explained Nurse Crane's questions.

"I don't think I know the name. When is she due?"

"I'd wonder if she's due at all, at her age; it's a change of life baby if not something else altogether. I want her seen by Dr. Turner." Nurse Crane shook her head, and Sister Julienne knew it was concern. Nurse Anderson again tried to soothe the nurse, coaxing her off to go to the hospital to see Barbara; she was again updated on the young woman's condition.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Valerie leaned against the closed door and tried not to shake, seeing the incision on Barbara's side had been surprising but it was the reason she was alive; and Valerie had expected it. Then Sister Julienne, the woman hadn't said what she done but she hadn't needed too; Valerie had never seen such an incision before this morning. The nun's incision wrapped around her side and seemed even bigger than Barbara's, the enormity of it weighed on her. She didn't know the details, but she knew what the results were.

Valerie tossed and turned over it for a while, Sister Julienne hadn't wanted her help; the woman had wanted to keep her secret. Had she not been in such pain she likely would have been successful but seeing that wound she knew the woman must have fought hard to do as much as she had. And she had done it alone.

When she woke she went downstairs to find everyone sitting in the common area, a plate left warm for her and Dr. Turner the focus of Nurse Crane's interrogation. The man was waiting for his wife who was up visiting Sister Julienne, apparently the surgeons were beginning to discuss when Barbara could come home; Nurse Crane was trying to prepare.

She listened as she ate for a different reason, upstairs there was a woman who was in nearly the same condition, but no one had prepared for her to come home; no one knew they needed to. That changed now.

"There have only been a handful of these procedures done here, more in America but finding a donor is rare; especially outside the family. Recovery is no simpler than the procedure itself." As the doctor explained the effects of the procedure on the body, that recovery would take time and the risks of compromising the core muscles of the body, she heard soft sounds of concerns from her friends.

She tried not to let her face show her concern, it wasn't only Barbara who was affected; should Sister Julienne even be out of the hospital? And what were the differences? Barbara had gained a functioning organ while the nun had lost one, yes, they had similar incisions and that aspect of recovery would be comparable, but the rest might not be.

Valerie wondered if it was intentional that the doctor didn't discuss any details of the donation process, that they would have to recover too. Until this morning she hadn't given that part of it much thought, she hadn't considered someone choosing to give up an organ; or really that such a thing was a choice. Did the doctor know? It didn't seem like his wife did.

When the Turners left, and the nuns slipped away to chapel Valerie went back upstairs to the room at the end of the hall. She knocked quickly, stepped in and hurried forward when she saw Sister Julienne on her knees by the bed.

"I am fine Nurse Dyer." The woman's wince told another story as she laid a hand over the one Valerie placed on her shoulder, it took a moment to dawn on her. Valerie knew the other nuns had gone to chapel, she should have thought that Sister Julienne would acknowledge the evening prayers. "I want to speak to you."

"Let me help you up." She didn't want to see the woman struggle, she felt a little uneasy with her now.

As she eased the woman over to sit on the side of the bed Sister Julienne held onto the hand she'd used to brace her; pulling her down as well. "Nurse Dyer, you will hear me out this time."

"You gave Barbara the kidney." The incision left her no questions and given the situation she had a very good idea of the woman's motive; it forced her to think. "How could you do it?"

"I've learned that one can always be surprised by what they are capable of when it comes down to it." Sister Julienne still held her hand, had shifted it into her own lap. "This wasn't so hard in the end, all I had to do was take a nap."

"Not so hard, but you didn't want us to know; I don't think you wanted me to find out." Valerie studied the woman and knew she believed that but looking in it seemed a little different. Another thought hit her, while they called her sister, Sister Julienne was related to no one here and she didn't know how the nuns worked in that respect. "What would we have been told if it didn't work? We wouldn't be recognized as your family."

"Mother Jesu-Emmanuel would have been informed; how much was said would have been dependent on the situation." The nun answered as sharp blue eyes looked her straight on. "You haven't told them."

"No." Valerie murmured, it wasn't her place; and it clearly wasn't what the woman wanted. "But you aren't in it alone anymore, and you are going to let me help you or I will need a second opinion on changing that dressing; and Nurse Crane will be interested."

"That is rather underhanded." But it made her smile a little, it was an empty threat, though Valerie wasn't going to tell her that.

Sister Julienne had risked everything for their friend, if the woman wanted to keep it secret then she would help; her own opinions aside. Were roles reversed Sister Julienne would never watch someone struggle or betray their trust. But the woman who still held her hand was private.

It wasn't something she had really noticed until she had to think about it. Sister Julienne was always ready with a warm smile, reassuring words and ready to listen; but didn't reveal much about herself. Valerie had learned a little in her absence, it wasn't just because of their different lifestyles; the nuns didn't know too much more about her life before the order or how much she stayed in contact with family.

"Is there anybody who should know that you are alright?" Valerie asked.

"No, I didn't need anyone worrying; I don't want you worrying now." Sister Julienne squeezed her hand again, moving it to her own side. "Every new procedure has risks but the outcome can be worth it, my discomfort for a short time is worth it. Barbara and I can each live with one kidney and if her remaining kidney retains any function it may last her a while; but it was something that I could do. I choose to do it, and I accept the consequences, Barbara didn't have a choice in any of this, and Mr. Hereward had a difficult one; I did not want that complicated in any way. Perhaps I wanted him to make the choice that I favoured."

"They don't know it was someone choosing to give them a kidney. They believe it was someone's family." Everyone believed that, and if Tom Hereward had known it was Sister Julienne she wasn't sure he would have gone ahead. "Will you tell them?"

It had been a chance to save Barbara and with Phyllis' encouragement Tom had taken the risk, if he had known it also risked a healthy woman's life the curate would have erred to caution. And it had worked, Sister Julienne was at home, if the incision was horizontal rather than diagonal she might have been cut in half, but she was on her feet; and Barbara was alive and healing.

"I don't know. I don't see what good it will do, they need to put this behind them and move forward." Sister Julienne murmured quietly.

Valerie was silent, it might be more important for them to know just how much they were loved as they tried to move past this. She understood the nun not wanting everyone to know, she wasn't a woman who wanted to be fussed over and Valerie understood she had come home to work. The secret she would keep for the her, the decision not to tell Tom and Barbara she would respect; but work was another matter.

She squeezed the woman's hand herself and checked the incision, some of the stitches had pulled but none were torn, and it was revealing when the woman accepted pain medication. Having listened to Dr. Turner she knew part of it was how much the woman was trying to do on her own. Her right side had to be sensitive, yet she put on and took off her habit, got herself in and out of bed and down onto her knees. The muscles of her abdomen which provided stability for movement and involved in so many actions had been cut to access the organ given to Barbara; yet she was trying to use them.

The woman didn't exactly settle but she seemed somewhat more comfortable. Valerie lifted the ledger from the desk and took it with her, ignoring the nun's protest as she went down to start her shift; working in a pub had taught her more than how to pull a pint.


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed, sorry for the delay.

Chapter Twelve

She wasn't surprised when Nurse Dyer was back first thing, the nurse was on nights and must be used to their morning routines; her sisters would be just about to start chapel. That the young woman had the ledger tucked under her arm made Sister Julienne curious, she had brought it up here before she knew the extent of her condition and taken it last night when she got the details.

They were feeling each other out and seeing where to push; what boundaries needed to be hashed out. Nurse Dyer might enjoy the idea of keeping a secret, but it was more likely she would either come to resent it or feel compelled to tell the truth; and Sister Julienne couldn't fault that. She could only watch it unfold.

"I brought you some water." The nurse moved in a flurry of activity, pressing a glass into her hand as she took the bottle from the nightstand.

"Not this morning." She shifted, uncomfortable already and though the medication had helped her sleep she needed to work this morning.

"If you intend to get up you need something, and morphine will be stronger." Nurse Dyer frowned at her.

"I need to see to a few things this morning and I want to think clearly while I do it."

"Half a tablet then." Nurse Dyer argued. She consented and took it, reaching for her prayer veil, which Nurse Dyer tugged away. "Twisting and reaching up is how you are pulling those stitches; it hurts you."

She only closed her eyes, she knew the young woman was right and she could feel it. But when Nurse Dyer helped her up and forward she was surprised. Bending at the knee and encouraging her to lean in as she lowered; it was much easier to kneel this time. And with the young woman's hands under her forearms it was easier to hold the position.

As she began the familiar routine she was aware of the young woman's fidgeting. With her head still bowed Sister Julienne opened her eyes a moment, Nurse Dyer was carefully studying various spots on the floor and the room; anywhere but her. Gently she shifted and took the young woman's hands. "Will you join me, in praying for Barbara?"

"I, I don't pray anymore. I know this is important for you." The young woman looked at the floor rather than at her.

"Thank you." She murmured, considering the new information as she took only another moment before rising. "But you don't need to be uncomfortable for me."

"Its not uncomfortable." The young woman countered, even though she would hardly look at her after her admission.

She settled at her desk, hoping that Nurse Dyer would take the hint to slip away and get some sleep; her shift long since over. The young woman needed no coaxing and as she left Sister Julienne opened the ledger. Most of the data had been carefully noted in neat small lettering and as she read it; it was correct.

Certain records had been left for her to handle and she recognized the distinction. The figures neatly entered were the records of the receipts for the house and would be similar to any other business, the notations about the nursing and midwifery duties for the records were likely outside Valerie Dyer's experience, a little different than the notes recorded for patient records; but it made her job easier.

Sister Julienne spent her morning catching up the documents and writing several letters, including one to Nurse Franklin to inquire as to her plans for the next few weeks. She was aware of the strain that everyone was under, and how they were shouldering it.

Shelagh Turner was filling in a hole in their team, running the maternity home mostly on her own, a hole that she had effectively widened. Nurse Crane was dedicating every extra moment to Barbara and her husband while working the maternity home between call outs, Nurse Dyer was sticking it out on straight night shifts to allow the others to work without interruption and doing a great deal of the grunt work which was generally shared. Sister Winifred and Nurse Anderson were certainly not idle, the first attending the district roster while the latter took on an incredible list on her rounds and a great deal of deliveries.

They were scraping by, and in this moment, she felt her own limitations. A knock on the door had her turning to find Sister Monica Joan. "There is a most persistent visitor at the door, she is insistent upon speaking with you."

She nodded, that was one thing that she could manage to do; though it might take her a few more moments to get down there. But she barely made it to the front hall before Nurse Dyer was at her elbow and suddenly she was thankful for it.

"You, you wear that getup but like every other holy roller you think you're above everyone else; where are you when someone needs you? My granddaughter not good enough?" The woman lashed out, pushing forward as she caught Sister Julienne off guard.

Before she could say a word, or the woman could reach her Nurse Dyer was in front and she was afraid the two would collide. Sister Julienne did not forget that the East End fighting spirit was in the young nurse and she had probably broken up a fight or two in the pub; she had dealt with more than a few in her own work over the years.

She laid a hand on the arm of the one she knew she had some sway over. "Perhaps you would make some tea for us all Nurse Dyer?"

The Nurse glanced at her a moment before obeying, but she saw that as the situation diffused so did the other woman's anger. Something she had learned a long time ago, most people looking for a fight really just wanted their voice to be heard; and life taught them noise and violence got attention.

Over a cup of tea, the story began to come out, and it was not a simple one; Mrs. Lake did not need to be found. She'd come to them and as Sister Julienne teased out a few more details she came to understand the woman's ferocity. Mrs. Lake didn't know her, she wasn't from the area and something hinted that she hadn't had an easy life; but she did have a son.

A child she cherished and a daughter in law she wanted to look after. The girl was local, Sister Julienne recognized the name and the reason the woman was worried, Ilene Lake, had grown up in Poplar and had been one of their patients a few years ago; it had been hard on the young woman. There had been a late term miscarriage and the poor child had still needed to deliver the baby.

She hadn't been married, but Sister Julienne wasn't sure how much Mrs. Lake knew about that; the girl had gone by Ilene Cossen. Her mother in law said she had suffered two late term miscarriages, not normal for an otherwise healthy young woman. Either way, whether the first still born was included in the number or not it would have taken a toll on her; this pregnancy could be challenging. "Who has she been seeing?"

"My Logan moved them back here, he's got a good job now; but it takes him too sea too often. Thought having her somewhere familiar would help."

"Has Ilene seen a doctor?" Sister Julienne pressed the woman, though she had a feeling she knew the answer given the woman's dodging.

"Not since she came back to Poplar." The girl's mother in law admitted.

"First thing then, I want you to get her in to see Dr. Turner. If you don't want to take her to the clinic then take her in to the surgery but doctor needs to see her. Then we will get someone out to see her at home..."

"Will it be you? She wants you." Mrs. Lake cut her off, fire returning to her eyes.

She was silent for a long moment, the smart answer was no, she was in no shape to do a home visit and knew she had no hope of a delivery. But she remembered Ilene, she remembered many of her patients, she watched some grow up, and other families cope, slowly moving on from difficult circumstances. "I cannot guarantee who will be there for delivery and Dr. Turner may recommend that she deliver in hospital or in the maternity home."

"She is doing it at home this time, both times she's gone to the hospital she's come home with empty arms. It will be at home." The woman demanded, and inadvertently confirmed that there had been at least three babies lost; Sister Julienne had delivered the first in her home.

"Get her in to see doctor and listen to what he suggests." Sister Julienne encouraged, suspecting that Dr. Turner would recommend the young woman go to hospital, but it was impossible to know anything without seeing the patient.

It took a few more moments to send the woman on her way but Sister Julienne let Nurse Dyer see her out; she was exhausted. Slowly she crossed to her office and picked up the phone, Dr. Turner was not going to be pleased that she was working but he did deserve a warning that he had a potentially difficult patient ahead of him; or at least a challenging grandmother to be.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

"Have there been any developments with Mrs. Lake?" Valerie inquired hesitantly, she had seen the nun's face when the woman made her plea; it wasn't in the nun's nature to refuse such a request.

"Dr. Turner has recommended a hospital delivery given her history; however, he did say that both the mother to be and the mother in law were reluctant." Sister Julienne sighed, and she wondered if the Lakes would heed the doctor's advice; perhaps the nun had similar thoughts. "Nurse Crane will monitor her for now; I think we both know her to be capable of handling challenging relations."

"Yes." Not forgetting that she had used the woman as something of a threat.

She shadowed Sister Julienne until the stairs, heading for her own bed; the nun was working though Valerie knew Dr. Turner had warned against it. She still helped the woman with the incision site and a few things throughout the day, but Sister Julienne pushed herself hard and no one could deny it made a difference to have her back at the helm.

Late, as she refilled the autoclave, and prepared the kits for the following day she heard someone on the stairs. No one was out at a delivery tonight, and she had already seen Sister Monica Joan who was her most frequent visitor. She frowned as Sister Julienne appeared and joined her at the counter, silently taking a pair of gloves and placing sterilized tools in the bags.

For a time, they worked side by side, Valerie saw discomfort in the woman's face and knew she was likely not taking her pain medication. It was probably what was keeping her up but whether the nun would acknowledge that was another matter. After a time, the woman slipped away, she still moved slowly and somewhat cautiously now that there was no one watching. Around the same time the next night Sister Julienne showed up again.

...

Thanks to Siepie for your reviews and to everybody who has been reading.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

She was climbing the stairs slowly as she heard the phone ring. It was a horrible night for Nurse Dyer to have to go out, and she turned back to make sure that the young woman had everything together that she needed; the fog was too heavy for her to risk biking.

Nurse Dyer was still on the phone as she returned to the clinical room and opened the bag; then took a new set of tools from the table. The phone clicked and then she heard Nurse Dyer's voice. "An ambulance please."

There was a moment of silence and then the nurse sighed, Sister Julienne watched as she slowly put the phone down. "The ambulance may be several hours, there has been a serious accident due to the fog; its Mrs. Lake."

"I'll come with you." It would be an emotional delivery whether it went well or not but it could also be a difficult one; especially with the mother in law present. Nurse Dyer would need help, and that she could manage. She took the notes card and read the address. "Go wake Nurse Anderson. It is close, we will walk."

….

Valerie nearly sighed in relief as Sister Julienne volunteered to come with her; but concern struck her a moment later. She took the stairs quickly but turned away from Lucille's room and went to the one at the end of the hall, quickly opening the door and crossing to the bedside table to snatch up one of the bottles from the top drawer.

Gently she woke Lucille and then hurried back downstairs, Sister Julienne waited in the entryway; Valerie nearly offered her the bottle. But that felt like an insult, so she stuffed it deeper into her pocket and pulled on her own coat.

"I added a few things to your bag rather than bring mine. I hope that's alright." Sister Julienne twisted the dial on the torch, the light flickered a time or two.

Valerie frowned and took it, the thing was still flickering; she gave it a rap against the railing. It began emitting steady light as they stepped out into the dark, damp fog. She had walked these streets since she was a child, and she had seen more than one foggy night; but she made sure to hug the familiar buildings. There was already at least one accident tying up emergency services; she didn't want to be part of another.

The dampness settled right through her coat and it was a relief to step into the poorly lit building; at least they could see more than a yard or two beyond their faces. They climbed to the second floor and she heard a low moan and as it grew to a cry she glanced to Sister Julienne; they both knew that sound. "I don't think we'll be moving her before the birth."

"No." Sister Julienne raised her hand to knock before pushing it open as she called out. "Midwives calling."

Ilene Lake was in labor, and she wondered if they'd intentionally left it late to call; the baby would be born soon. Even if they had the means to transport her at this point Valerie wouldn't want to. The poor woman had lost each of her previous babies and was terrified now; as though she didn't even notice her mother in law holding her hand.

Pasting a reassuring smile on her face and forcing a calm tone she took out her tools as she greeted the two women. Sister Julienne didn't even hesitate as she took the patient's hand and told her to squeeze with the next contraction; expertly hiding her concerns.

She did the routine vitals and quickly checked to see how much time they had; leaving the fetal heartbeat for last. Pressing the pinard to Ilene's swollen belly she listened and swallowed hard. "Sister Julienne would you have a listen?"

The nun nodded and shifted, leaning down to listen only a moment before a contraction started; her hands moving to check the baby's position. "With the next one it might be time."

As Valerie turned for the tools she felt the nun touch her elbow; her voice still calm but low. "Heartbeat is slow, but we need to keep this room calm; let's get baby into her arms."

Sister Julienne turned her attention back to Ilene as Valerie laid everything out and took position. As the next contraction came the mother to be did push, and again with each one after that; but there was no progress.

Reassurances weren't going to keep the mother in law calm and when Sister Julienne sent her out to boil water; the woman in labor did relax a little. But they both knew it was time for the child to get here. "There we are, now let's meet baby, we are just going to try something a little different; if you can get onto your side."

Trying to help Ilene onto her side and get into a position where she could see to guide baby wasn't easy. Sister Julienne laid a hand on her back, effectively keeping her in position to aid the delivery while slinging the woman's ankle over her own shoulder and taking the hand grasping for an anchor.

Valerie didn't have time to question it as a contraction came and Ilene bore down, finally making progress. With a few more pushes the baby slid into the world and the new mother sagged in exhaustion as she took the mucus extractor; the child limp in the towel.

"Is it a boy?" Ilene asked quietly, head perked, no doubt listening for the child's first cry; hoping for it.

"No, a little girl Ilene. Just give us a moment and you can give her a cuddle." Valerie swallowed hard, willing the child to cry.

"Is it dead?" The grandmother demanded, setting a steaming pot on the dresser, her question raising a sob from Ilene as Valerie tried to clear the airways; she heard Sister Julienne speak firmly to the older woman.

Sister Julienne moved over, rubbing the little one's back and shifted the child onto her left arm as Valerie listened for a heartbeat. With no progress the nun shifted the baby, rocking her on her forearm and then using the mucus extractor again; then rubbing her back. It seemed to be a very long moment before the little girl let out an angry cry of protest and Valerie nearly laughed in relief; and they swaddled the baby and passed her to her mother.

It felt as though she was able to breath again too and as she glanced up at the nun who watched mother and child Valerie worried for a different reason; Sister Julienne was pale and there was a fine sheen of sweat on her skin. As she dug in her pocket, thinking to pass the woman the bottle she had tucked there the nun turned back to attending the patient, leaving her to her own tasks.

The afterbirth came, the bed changed, and room tidied as the new little girl, freshly named Elisabeth Hope, was weighed, examined, bathed and swaddled back into her mother's arms. At long last Dr. Turner arrived, there was a long silent look between doctor and nun before the man checked mother and baby while Valerie packed up her things. Finally, he proclaimed mother and baby healthy enough to stay in their home.

"I didn't see your bikes out front." Dr. Turner commented as they trooped down the stairs, and out into the early morning; not that one could tell with the lingering fog.

"We walked, it seemed the better option given the visibility." Sister Julienne answered, Valerie noticed the woman kept a hand on her side now; moving gingerly.

"Let me give you a lift home, it may be slow going but it is better than being out in this." Dr. Turner gestured to his car and pulled open the door; his eyes firmly on Sister Julienne.

"We would be grateful, I may need a moment of your time at the house." The nun eased into the passenger seat.

Valerie quickly climbed into the back as the doctor stowed his kit in the boot, digging in her pocket she finally offered the woman the bottle of medication. Sister Julienne just looked at her for a long moment and then took one; swallowing it dry.

"Who will be monitoring her?" Dr. Turner asked as he got in and they started back.

"Nurse Anderson will check on her later this morning, are there any extra notes that should be added?"

"I wouldn't mind an update, I'll try to stop by this afternoon. It has been a difficult road for the mother." Dr. Turner navigated the roads slowly as he took them back to Nonnatus house.

They nodded quietly and when Dr. Turner parked, pulling close to the bike shed to protect his car from anyone else trying to get around in this weather. Valerie stayed at the nun's shoulder as they walked up to the house, Dr. Turner hovered a few paces behind; assessing.

Valerie didn't need to assess, she had a fairly good idea what the nun had done, and she swallowed hard; it was partially her fault. Sister Julienne shouldn't have come with her to the delivery, she shouldn't have let Ilene use her as a brace; they should have traded places.

The house was empty, Valerie dropped her bag down in the clinical room and hurried after Sister Julienne. Dr. Turner waited outside the door as she helped her onto the bed, got her habit open and the woman decently covered and bit her lip as she saw that the stitches at the top of the incision had ripped out. Sister Julienne must have been in agony for the last part of the delivery and never complained; given very little indication at all.

"I'll tell Dr. Turner to come in." She whispered, the doctor wasn't going to be pleased; but she hoped he wouldn't be too hard on the nun. Did he know what she had done?

Silently she opened the door and the doctor needed no invitation to enter the room and set his kit on the edge of the mattress. His eyes carefully assessing the woman laying on the bed, she saw the tension in the way Sister Julienne lay; she was trying not to fidget.

"What have you had for pain?" Dr. Turner asked as he carefully touched the sides of the wound and the lower stitches that were intact. He had already known she realized, he wasn't the least bit surprised by seeing the incision; he must have known the whole time.

The nun gestured to the nightstand and Valerie handed him both the morphine and the tablets. "She had one tablet half an hour ago. I can give her a dose of morphine."

"I'll take care of it. Did you feel the stitches go sister?" Dr. Turner frowned for a moment and then took the bottles and carefully read the directions. "When is your next appointment?"

"Day after tomorrow." Sister Julienne only answered the last of his questions, Valerie had a fairly good idea it had happened during the delivery and the woman hadn't said anything.

"You haven't been taking these properly." Dr. Turner murmured, setting the bottle aside before opening his kit and drawing up a local anesthetic. "Nurse Dyer take the pressure off the right side while I suture."

Valerie moved around the narrow bed and knelt on it, gently lifting her hip and shoulder. The doctor probed the area before he began to remove the torn stitches and then replace them. Dr. Turner worked silently and dressed the wound rather than leave it for her to do.

"Now, you are to rest. I believe you promised to come home to rest and handle administration; not deliveries. I suggest you keep to that or we both know your side won't heal properly." Dr. Turner cautioned and then looked up at her. "I know Nurse Dyer will be happy to give you any assistance you need. Perhaps take her with you when you go to see the surgeon."

Sister Julienne knew that, and they had carefully felt out the boundaries of where the nun needed help and where she wanted her privacy to be respected. Valerie nodded and took the doctor's equipment, slipping from the room; just a few words were more effective than a scolding.

In the clinical room she first cleaned the doctor's tools and put them in the autoclave and then unpacked her kit, she looked up as the doctor entered. He set his kit on the bench and studied her before he spoke. "I believe you know what she has done, I suspect your assistance is how she has kept it a secret; and that is her choice. But be aware that the procedure has put her in a vulnerable state."

"I know that, and I know she wants to keep it a secret; but when she hasn't said anything everyone assumes she is strong enough for…."

"And she isn't denying it or taking time to rest because she is needed. Sister Julienne will work to the bone if required; and she was perfectly healthy the last time she worked herself to exhaustion. It was before your time here but if she does it now she could do herself real harm." Dr. Turner's voice held warning and Valerie felt something tighten in her gut. "Be glad of what she has done, respect her as sister in charge but right now, whether she likes the idea or not she needs a nurse; and someone needs to see that she rests."

"You've known this whole time?"

"I asked her to consider it in the first place." The man glanced at the floor, she knew Dr. Turner would feel responsible for that. "I am glad she has your help, I haven't told Shelagh; she is doing too much as it is. Shelagh would worry, and Sister Julienne would not like it but the Sister is dear to her."

Valerie nodded, and as his tools were finished she gave them to him. Then cleaned her own kit and wrote up her notes. As she documented the struggle of the baby's first breaths she was infinitely grateful to have had the experienced midwife with her; there had been a baby a year or so ago who she had thought stillborn and it had been horrible. But she knew another thing, Sister Julienne had wanted to be there, she'd wanted to be there from the moment the grandmother had bullied her way in the front door and demanded it. That might be the route to take in persuading the woman to rest a bit longer; it was patients who would wait if she prolonged her recovery.

Valerie had lived the whole of her life in the East End, there was no other place quite like it, good and bad she loved it here. But she knew despite all the hardships there were, what people had to do without and what they had to do to scrape out a living they were lucky. The National Health Service might be a good thing, but without effective professionals in the community it meant little; the Sisters of St. Raymond Nonnatus made the difference in Poplar.

Other boroughs might be safer, wealthier and they might be better run, but they couldn't have more diligent or dedicated district nurses and midwives; and it was the needs of the people here who had first brought the nuns to Poplar. Growing up she had heard it said often enough, the nuns had been here before the NHS and they'd given care to people terrified of hospitals struggling to carve out a life. During the war they'd stayed, they'd had the chance to go but they'd stayed with their community accepting the risks and surviving what came.

It was Sister Julienne who had brought her into this, and this, the way they did it here was the way she thought nursing ought to be done. Hospitals had their advantages and their purpose, but home was where people healed. If the East Enders knew what Sister Julienne had done the house would be as full of little gifts, cards and helpers as the Hereward's was; but that was more likely to put the nun on edge. Sister Julienne wasn't one to be the center of attention, just as she wouldn't like the idea of inconveniencing anyone; Valerie had figured that out the first morning she had helped the woman kneel.

She made a cup of tea, sweet and strong and took it upstairs. Sister Julienne glanced up at her as she entered. "I brought you some tea, but do you want breakfast?"

"No, thank you the medicine has made me tired." The woman was slightly unsteady as she took the cup. "Thank you for your help this morning. I over did it."

"You shouldn't have come." She was certain that was when it was done, the woman had put too much stress on her body.

"Nurse Dyer…"

"At this point I think you can use my first name. This isn't work, and I'm not going to pretend it is anymore than Phyllis is with Barbara. I'm off shift and you should be on sick leave." She sat on the edge of the bed. "You need to tell me what you need and when you need it because if you don't heal at this point I won't be able to face anyone here."

"Valerie my actions are hardly your responsibility, and I haven't been fair in asking you to keep my secret."

"I don't care about that, Sister Julienne what others know about your health is your choice. But we need you healthy." Valerie spoke with some strength, fair didn't come into this; if life was fair Barbara would never have gotten so sick.

Valerie didn't mind and wasn't even worried if she had to do the dirty work of keeping it. Sister Julienne maintained her secret through silence, she didn't complain and if one didn't watch her closely her pain wasn't evident; she looked like she was healing.

Instead the nun focused on the work, and on Barbara. Valerie had watched her dismiss concerns about her own health, simply saying that she was on the mend and continuing with her tasks. And she was getting stronger, there was no questioning that; the bottom half of the incision was healing well. But the top stitches hadn't set well since she first came home, Valerie had noticed but she hadn't pushed the issue; today there had been consequences.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

She was excited, they weren't just talking about sending her home; they were discharging her in the morning. The doctor would be in to check on her first thing and as long as all of her test results had come back clear she was allowed to go home.

Phyllis arrived first, Barbara wasn't sure if she had even been to bed as her uniform wasn't as crisply pressed as it would usually be at this time of morning. But she was here, and she was pleased; Barbara saw it in her eyes.

"Well, lets get you dressed; give that doctor the right idea." Her friend puttered about putting the things she had accumulated during her stay into a bag before turning to help her with her clothes.

"It feels so good to get dressed in normal clothes again." She fumbled with the buttons on her top as the nighty she had worn disappeared into the bag; it felt like she had worn nothing but nighties and hospital gowns for ages.

"Its only temporary. Once we get you home you're going to settle in again. And no lifting or twisting." Phyllis stopped her from reaching for a glass of water on the bedside table. "You still need plenty of rest; and your body needs to heal."

Barbara forced a smile, she'd had plenty of rest already. At least at home there would be a few more things that she could do, if nothing else she had her books there; and Tom was certain to have some mending. In truth she wasn't sure what sort of state the flat would be in, Tom had been here more than anywhere else, his parishioners would need attention; there might be a few things she would be allowed to do in that department.

Her husband arrived a moment before the nurse who took her vitals one last time and then the doctor. After they checked the incision and did the paperwork Tom's hand slid into hers. "Doctor we would like to speak to the family who donated the kidney."

The room seemed to freeze, she felt the nurse's gaze on her and the doctor looked at the floor. "I am afraid that confidentiality will prevent me from releasing any information. However, I am happy to pass on the request."

Barbara swallowed, that wasn't the answer she was hoping for. She felt Tom's hand squeeze hers, they both wanted to speak to the people who had made this possible. She wanted to know at least something about her donor, who they were and how they had seen this world. She had this picture of a person she didn't even know.

"Perhaps if Tom and Barbara wrote a letter you could pass it on; then the family can choose to make contact." Phyllis' face revealed the same disappointment she felt.

"I could do that. And now you can go home." The doctor declared before excusing himself.

Her husband's eyes were bright as he helped her over to the wheelchair that Phyllis insisted on and pushed her out to the waiting car. He climbed in the back as Phyllis slid behind the wheel and reached around the seat to rest a hand on her shoulder as though he couldn't let go of her.

"We've a letter to write now, it was such a good suggestion Phyllis; but I don't know how to put everything I am thinking, everything I want to know into onto paper." Barbara glanced at her friend as they pulled away from the hospital.

"You'll find the words lass; you both will." Phyllis murmured quietly.

But she wondered a little if she could, her whole life was different because of this person she didn't know. Yes, she was alive, but her health, her career, her friendships and even her marriage was different now. Phyllis and Tom were treating her as glass now, she was no longer a colleague to Phyllis, but a patient and Tom seemed to be constantly touching her now, so attentive to everything she might possibly need as though she may disappear. Did they truly see that she was here?

She was home, she was healing, and she want to move forward. Part of that had to be learning something of the person who she now had a part of it as she learned to live a different sort of life; and reclaimed some normality.

…

Barbara returned home today and they all crossed the street to welcome her. Valerie found herself watching the nun, knowing her part in this homecoming was greater than anyone else's. But Sister Julienne stayed to the sidelines, smiling happily as Barbara gushed about being home and Phyllis fussed.

Tom seemed slightly lost, trying to stay close to his wife as each person pressed in to give her a hug or clasp her hands. She had some sympathy for the man who must be longing for them all to leave so he could be home with his wife; it didn't stop her from holding her dear friend close for a moment.

Everyone was tired, but the past couple weeks had been emotional as they feared they would lose their friend and then relief which most in this room didn't know the details of but finally they had something to celebrate. Barbara was settled in her own home and there was healthy color in her cheeks.

When she saw Sister Julienne slip away she followed and when she fell in step beside her the woman squeezed her hand. "It is good to see her in her own home again."

"It is." The nun whispered quietly, Valerie suspected that she was pleased to be out of bed after a day being tucked up.

….

The surgeon was no more impressed with her than Dr. Turner had been, and she accepted that. In the moment it had been easy, and she had spent most of the last two days in bed, Nurse Dyer, Valerie had insisted and given the longer she argued the less sleep the young woman would get she had given up.

The nurse was a quick study, after going over a few sets of notes Valerie entered the records she dictated into the appropriate ledgers; and updated the records that had to be submitted to the NHS. She had a feeling it was going to be a routine now, Valerie showed up as her sisters went down to chapel and helped her to kneel for morning prayers.

Sister Julienne had a suspicion the nurse had made some sort excuse for her, while she felt guilty keeping her secret Valerie did not. She had been adamant that in Poplar secrets were everywhere; and most weren't worth guarding. And no one pressed her on why she rarely came down for prayers or meals, she could not kneel unsupported and was not willing to sit and so attended certain offices and observed others privately; Valerie turned up each time, or that the medicine seemed to take away her appetite; as everyone was on different shifts a few were always missing.

This morning Valerie was forgoing sleep to join her at the appointment, sitting near the desk as the surgeon inspected the stitches that Dr. Turner had replaced. Shifting her hands lower, pressing along the edge of her ribcage and then back. "This isn't healing well, I think we'd all like to see more progress after this amount of time."

"I will try to rest more." Sister Julienne murmured, wincing as the doctor pressed the lower part of the incision; simply watching for a few moments.

"You've been tending her, haven't you?" Dr. Blackwood turned to Valerie and saw the nurse nod; the woman motioned her over. "I want you to watch how I do this and continue it at home."

The surgeon helped her to sit and then bound her ribcage above the incision. It was an effective method, her fingers lightly ran down her side, keeping her right hand in her lap. Valerie gently touched the bandages. "It doesn't seem comfortable."

"It is not, and it wouldn't be my first choice." Dr. Blackwood commented.

"But I may think about things a little more." Sister Julienne murmured and began to fix her things. As she moved the band rubbed a little as she started to raise her right arm it tightened and so she tucked it back into her lap.

"May we have a few moments?" Dr. Blackwood stepped away, glancing at Valerie and the nurse nodded.

Sister Julienne took a few moments before standing up. As she sat opposite the doctor she frowned, the exam was over, and another prescription for pain killers tucked into her pocket. It was for more of the same, same dosage; but no morphine this time. Perhaps that was progress; but the appointment should be over.

"I have something for you." Dr. Blackwood dug in her desk and produced a plain envelope; no name and no return address. "Mrs. Hereward's surgeon asked if I would give this to you."

Nodding she took it, silently turning it her hands; she was not surprised. The bus ride home seemed very long, she had to open the envelope; but was afraid of what it might say. Valerie was watching her quietly and slowed to match her pace as they approached the house. The envelope in her pocket weighed heavily on her mind.

"Would you like some tea?" Valerie asked as they entered the house, she was already turning to the stairs.

"No, thank you. I think I will just go up and you should too." Valerie was looking tired too, and she had to work tonight.

"I'm fine…" She broke off as the front door opened and they both turned to look; no one would come home in the middle of morning rounds. But a suitcase was pushed forward before a blonde head appeared.

"Anyone home?"

"Trixie! You're home!" Valerie called out but didn't leave her side.

"What is going on? I leave for a few months and then I get a telegram from Christopher that Barbara is ill and a letter from you Sister." Trixie set another suitcase in the entryway.

"It is a bit to explain, we should let you unpack first. I am sorry to have to ask you to come back early."

"I'm not. It is good to be home." The woman glanced around with a smile, their longest standing nurse looked pleased to be back; much healthier and happier then when she had left. "I wouldn't mind a hand with my bags, but I do want the details; and then I'll get to work."

She nudged Valerie away and the nurse hesitated a moment before back tracking down to help Trixie with her bags. She was at least steady on her feet, and the young women's chatter and giggles followed her up the stairs, at least they started with the positive things; a lot had happened in the past few months. And she felt a little guilty as she hadn't considered updating Nurse Franklin when Barbara was first taken ill, it must have gone around to Christopher Dockerill somehow; news had a way of travelling through a hospital.

…

She asked about Italy and was treated to a wonderful description that lasted until they were upstairs. No sooner than she lay the suitcase on the bed then Trixie shut the door and faced her. "What is really going on? You look exhausted, Sister Julienne looks terrible and Barbara is in the hospital?"

"Barbara is home now, and she is getting better. Sister Julienne is on the mend too, though she has been trying to do a bit too much. It was scary for a bit there, we thought we were going to lose Barbara." Valerie sighed, and Trixie put a hand on hip; waiting for the full story.

So, she told it, from first finding out Barbara was sick, to the experimental procedure that saved her life, though she left out certain details about that, and Sister Julienne's absence and progress since then; sticking to the common theory of women's issues as reason. It was the first time she had laid all of it out and the look on Trixie's face about summed up the ride they'd taken emotionally.

"Why did no one write sooner?" Trixie demanded. "I could have been home three weeks ago. A few months in the sun was enough to put me right, I enjoy a bit of time but admit it or not the East End becomes a part of you; it was strange to be away so long."

"We've been trying to keep our heads above water, and I don't think Sister Julienne liked asking you back early at all; she wanted to be sure you were ready." Valerie knew that much.

"There is only so much socializing one can do, especially without work to break it up. Missing all of you was enough to help me get my head on straight. Now is there clinic this afternoon?"

Valerie nodded, pulling her friend in for a hug.

"Good. I'm going over to see Barbara and then I'll dust of my bag and get back into the swing of it." Trixie turned to the cupboard and opened it, Valerie smiled a little as she gave the uniform hanging inside a once over. "I'll have to freshen this up a bit too."

She helped her unpack most of her things and watched her head across the street; Trixie was back with force and it was a good thing. She went across to check on Sister Julienne and found her sitting on the side of the bed, Valerie knew the woman hated being tucked up in bed when there were things she could be doing but was trying to cooperate.

Though now the woman did seem upset, her face had brightened when Trixie appeared, but the same look of worry was back now. Gently Valerie laid a hand on her shoulder, unsure Sister Julienne had even noticed her come in; but the woman didn't flinch. "Dr. Blackwood gave me a letter today, from Barbara and Tom."

She was quiet, she couldn't say she was surprised but she could see that Sister Julienne was upset by it. "You don't have to answer them."

"I don't know how I will start, it's not for me; not really." The nun spoke softly, Valerie swallowed hard, it must be hard to read something that was meant for her family. "But it is very kind."

"And if they don't get a response they will understand." Valerie countered.

"I need to think about it, and you need some sleep; if Nurse Franklin will let you."

"She has some unpacking to do, I think she has twice as many clothes as she left with." Valerie laughed and saw the nun smile, shaking her head; no one did fashion quite like Trixie.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Everyone sat around their small living room listening to Trixie's stories of Italy, Barbara thought she sounded good. She saw Phyllis studying their friend and was privately pleased that someone else had her attention for a little while; Phyllis had been worried about Trixie. While the professional woman had given no details, Barbara knew things must have been difficult.

Living in close quarters meant lives intersected, sometimes they found rough edges and worked hard to keep their secrets. But it forged them together into a family of sorts, and she knew them all, they were happy but tired.

Valerie sat near her, up early to join them before her night shift but she looked beat. "Now that Trixie is home maybe they'll spell you for a bit."

"No, not yet and I don't mind; keeps things smooth without everyone having to switch back and forth." Valerie's smile was forced, and Barbara nodded, none of that made it any easier.

"I wish I could help." Barbara murmured, with Trixie back and Shelagh Turner filling in they weren't as short handed now.

Sister Julienne was recovering from her own health scare, Barbara had only seen her the night she came home but the nun would resume her place and Shelia Turner would return to raising her family. But she couldn't return to work, Sister Julienne and Phyllis would find someone else to join them.

"Just get better, that's all any of us are hoping for." Valerie smiled at her on the back of a yawn. "How has it been being home?"

"It is good to be home, Tom has been wonderful, and Phyllis is ensuring I follow all the rules; but this feels normal. And normal helps." It reminded her of many evenings spent together when the work was done, and they could relax and put the day behind them. "I just keep thinking of the person, the family who made this possible; I'm home because of them."

"You've written to them, now you've just got to be patient." Phyllis cautioned, shifting their side conversation to the group's focus.

"What if they don't write back?" Valerie asked.

"I don't know, they must be grieving now, I know that but in time perhaps they will write back." Barbara murmured.

"It has to mean that someone has died then?" Trixie asked.

"Not necessarily, but it is the most likely scenario." Phyllis answered, the woman had done an enormous amount of research while she had been in the hospital. "There have been some procedures done with a living donor, a healthy individual can live comfortably with one kidney, and a few non-related procedures have been done however either of those scenarios put another life at risk."

"I think the doctors should be made to tell you some things about the person then; you've a piece of them inside you. Are they certain the person was healthy? Did they take care of their body?" Trixie was on a roll, and she could admit that she had a few of the thoughts along the same lines.

"I am sure the doctors investigated thoroughly before suggesting it." Valerie reached for her hands as she spoke reassuringly; but she looked at the ground.

"I understand if they won't give you a name if the family wants their privacy, but you should be entitled to vital stats. A man or a woman, age, manor of death if not cause; was it an accident or were they ill?" Trixie continued, others were quiet; it was a discussion that had been rehashed in various ways in the past couple weeks.

"At my next appointment, I'm going to ask after it. I put our address on the note but maybe they will have said something to the surgeon." She knew Tom was hoping for a response just as much as she was; but everyone was invested in this along with her.

…

Slipping upstairs she had returned first from Barbara's to get changed for her night shift, the house was quiet, Sister Winifred was out at her mother craft class and Sister Monica Joan was somewhere. Sister Julienne was not upstairs, but when she went down she heard voices a child's laughter.

Valerie paused as she passed the office, Sister Julienne sat at her desk, her water colors spread across her desk, Angela Turner perched on a chair next to her; paint brush in hand. She paused to watch the woman guiding the child with the paints, holding baby Teddy to her left shoulder.

Drawing closer she saw the little girl was doing her best to paint flowers like the careful scrolling designs the nun painted in the margins of her pages. The little girl was either thrilled with the paints or with the attention Sister Julienne paid, but it made her pause; watching the nun so attentively encourage the child.

"Mrs. Turner was later getting home than expected and Dr. Turner was called out; we are just waiting for Mommy to finish restocking her kit." Sister Julienne spoke without glancing away from the child's art.

If she didn't know better it would be easy to assume that the nun was a devoted grandmother, tending the baby and indulging the little girl who was making a mess of her workspace; both grinning. Perhaps it was that the nun was a nurse and midwife, seeing her interacting with children was common but it was usually clinical; this was a far more personal moment.

The woman was sharing one of her pastimes with the child and was clearly comfortably in the motherly role. And yet had chosen a life that had ensured she never had her own grandchildren to sit on her knee. The Turners were in a way the nun's surrogate family, the little girl shared a special relationship with her mother's confidant and past mentor the woman had delivered the baby she cradled to her shoulder.

"I'm just about ready." Shelagh Turner side stepped Valerie, kit and coats in hand.

"Look Mommy!" Angela proudly lifted the page, paint still wet to show off her art as Sister Julienne captured the wet brush being waved about.

"That is very nice, now Sister Julienne wants to get on with her evening and we need to get to bed." The tired midwife sorted out the children's coats and Valerie stepped in, taking the little girl's.

As she got the little girl into her coat a sleepy baby Teddy was bundled up for the trip home; little Angela had a concern. "I want my picture."

"I will keep it for you, it needs to dry for now." Sister Julienne promised to protect the picture as the Turners prepared to depart.

Valerie helped Shelagh get Teddy into the pram left by the bicycle shed and saw them off before turning back. The mother of three looked tired and with two little ones the long hours were not easy to manage, Timothy was old enough to be a bit more independent. Being out on house calls pulled her away from the structure of the maternity home next to the surgery where she worked closely with her husband. She knew the nun would have recognized the signs as well.

"You're back early." Sister Julienne was cleaning up her desk, the prized picture set carefully to the side.

"I wanted to get changed, they've settled in for a chat; it may be quite awhile before they head home." Valerie smiled, it was good to see Trixie home and she'd got her spark back and there was gossip to catch up on.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Valerie steadied her as she rose from her morning prayers, the young woman did not come as often and did not need to be told not to; but she showed up first thing each morning at the end of her shift. Sister Julienne did not mind the company, she observed the first office of the day privately, it was still a struggle to get up and down.

Valerie Dyer was looking tired and pale, she needed a break from night shift soon. Sending the young woman to bed Sister Julienne slowly made her way downstairs to the clinical room; plans needed to be made for the coming week. Nurse Crane was updating her rolodex as she completed an inventory and made notes of what needed to be ordered.

"Have you made up the roster for next week?" Sister Julienne inquired.

"It is somewhat easier with Nurse Franklin's return."

"Excellent, we need to rotate Nurse Dyer off the night shift for a bit. We can resume the rotation." She saw the woman's hesitation and knew she intended to stay with the Herewards a little longer. "I will mind the phone and wake the first on call."

The nurse nodded, and Sister Julienne turned towards her office to complete the orders for their stock; some things could not be sterilized and reused. She looked up as Sister Monica Joan poked her head in and then invited herself in. "Our colleagues have departed for the day and you have withdrawn not to rest but to work that the doctor has advised against."

"It has been several days, I am on the mend." Clearly someone had been eavesdropping the last time Dr. Turner had visited; he had wanted to know how her follow up appointment had gone. "Are you going to visit Barbara today?"

"Barbara has been summoned by her doctor this morning. I will go to see her this afternoon, I must encourage her on her path, perhaps it shall be easier upon her to lose her purpose as she does not dwell within these walls, but she must not loose heart. To be without purpose is…" Her heart ached for her Sister, she was often contented in her books and activities since retirement, but Sister Julienne knew it did not compare to the long career she had enjoyed.

"You are not without purpose, and neither is Barbara; but sometimes our purpose changes as time goes on." Their young colleague's struggle had touched them all, but the lasting consequences resonated with Sister Monica Joan. "And we will support her through this transition, it does not diminish what she means to any of us."

….

She was somewhat surprised when she knew the nurse who took her vitals and labs; they had been in training together. Michelle had just started at the London, choosing to pursue nursing over midwifery, Barbara didn't have to explain her situation; the rumor mill had done that for her.

"I don't believe any of my coworkers would take such risks for me, how is the sister doing?" Michelle's comment was off hand, but Barbara frowned as a cold realization washed over her; she only knew a few nuns. She was silent for a long moment, only one of them was ill.

"Sister Julienne?" She had hardly seen the sister in charge since she had come home, but Phyllis had said the nun had faced her own health challenges; surgery created certain challenges, but had it been her choice? Michelle nodded before their conversation was cut short as the surgeon and her husband entered.

Her side was healing, the doctor was happy with the blood and urine results. Her pain medication had been reduced and the other was stable, Phyllis' research indicated that it was the latest immunosuppressant medicine available and she would take it for the rest of her life.

Tom asked but the surgeon had not heard from the donor's family and he took her hand; anticipating her disappointment. But Barbara was distracted, Phyllis had dismissed the notion that she could have had a living donor and the surgeon hadn't corrected her when she asked about the donor's family. Perhaps it was not a surviving family member making the choice at all.

As they walked the corridor she glanced at her husband. "What did they say when they told you about the procedure?"

"That they could give you a new kidney, there was very little said about where it came from. That they couldn't guarantee that it would function, but it was the only option." Tom was vague, and she nodded, Phyllis might remember more details.

"Did they say anything about a donor or family?" Phyllis would have kept everyone updated on her health, and they had visited her. "Was Phyllis or Sister Julienne there?"

"Barbara, we just need to be patient…" Tom soothed as they got into the car, Barbara nodded, forcing a smile; he didn't know why she had brought it up again.

No sooner than they got home Sister Monica Joan showed up to keep her company; she had smuggled some of Mrs. B's biscuits with her. The elderly nun was intent on keeping her busy, Barbara wanted to go across the road before everyone got back from their afternoon rounds; she didn't want an audience for that conversation.

Her restlessness had Tom worrying. "Are you tired, or sore?"

"No. I need to speak to Sister Julienne." He sighed, and she hesitated before telling him her suspicion. "Did Phyllis ever say what was wrong with her?"

As he shook his head she saw the same idea dawn on him and gently he folded her into his arms. "No, I believe it was a personal issue. Sister Julienne was home a week or more before you, she is working again; she couldn't have."


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

A soft knock on the door made her look up, the house was empty except for Valerie Dyer who should be sleeping off her night shift. "Come in."

Barbara opened the door, glancing over her shoulder she seemed hesitant to come in. "Tom is waiting, I just need to speak to you."

"Is something wrong?" Her Sister had mentioned that the young woman had a doctor's appointment this morning. Concerned she rose, her mind ready to run through the potential health problems Barbara Hereward was now vulnerable to. "Are you alright?"

Barbara crossed to her and reached out, instinctively she flinched back, but she realized what the young woman intended. Hesitantly she let the girl's palm flatten out over her right side and knew Barbara felt the bandages there as the young woman's arm wrapped around her neck, face buried in her shoulder.

Gently she wrapped her arms around the girl, a mix of emotions running through her body, relief and concerns were the strongest. Yet Barbara's arms were still around her neck and she knew the importance the young woman placed on this and it was not right. "To find hope in a situation beyond our control is a wonderful thing for nothing is beyond our Lord and you are precious to him; and to all in this house."

"Why not tell us?" Barbara did not let her go but raised her face enough to wipe her cheeks.

"I wanted my privacy, and I haven't been on my own, a few do know. I do understand that you want answers." Sister Julienne drew back a little, enough to force the young woman to meet her eyes before disentangling herself to open the top drawer of her desk and withdrawing an envelope.

"So, it is true then? Barbara has one of your kidneys." Tom Hereward stood in the doorway, she wasn't sure how long he had been watching them.

"Your decision at that time was hard enough and I wanted you to make a certain choice; I did not want everyone fussing over mine." Sister Julienne admitted quietly, Barbara had the note she had struggled to write tightly in her grip. "I have not been alone, Dr. Turner realized the possibility of the match and Nurse Dyer has taken good care of me."

The Herewards sat across from her, hand in hand and Sister Julienne did her best to explain and answer their questions. She knew this would not stay private much longer, and there going to be many more conversations like this one; but this one had to be the most open. Learning how the Herewards' suspicions had been raised.

Barbara paused as they heard someone in the hall, Valerie glanced in and met her eyes for a moment and took in the room as Barbara rose and she watched the two young women embrace. She was relieved that she no longer had to ask one of them to keep a secret.

"Thank you isn't enough for what you've given her." The curate spoke so softly that she nearly missed his words.

"It was a risk worth taking." And she had no regrets as she watched a vibrant young woman continue with her life.

…

She was never going to forget the moment her hand rested against Sister Julienne's side and she felt the bandages beneath the soft worn fabric. Barbara had been nearly sure before, she knew very few would ever see the scar that mirrored her own and she never did; but the woman had risked everything for her. And admitted it.

Tom was quiet after he confirmed their suspicions, she knew he was reeling as much as she was. But as she embraced Valerie, who had known all this time, she saw him speaking quietly with the nun. Valerie slipped away, understanding that they needed to speak privately. As she returned to them both rose, so much could not be put into words; Barbara hugged the nun tightly once more.

At home she sat near Tom as they both read the pages tucked within the envelope that Sister Julienne had handed over. There was nothing on the envelope and she wondered whether the woman had only just finished it, had been debating whether to send it or if she had intended to deliver it in person.

She wasn't sure if she would have pinpointed the smooth cursive if it had come in the post, but it would certainly have been familiar. The message was one of inspiration, saying first and foremost that no one was grieving, that this was a choice freely made. On the second page, near the bottom Sister Julienne had simply signed her name.

But Barbara realized even though she had known the nun for several years many of her questions remained; she knew the woman as a nun and a nurse. She knew the beliefs and faith that Sister Julienne lived by, and her words emphasized that. And Barbara knew some of what she had to have gone through as she healed, going in healthy may have made it somewhat easier but the nun was older than her. Tom said that Sister Julienne had come home after only a week and gone back to work.

"I am glad I didn't know, there must have been nearly as many risks for her as there were for you." Tom murmured quietly, and Barbara nodded; that had occurred to her. "She chose to."

"You've got a response from the family then?" Phyllis asked as she came in, finished for the day; Barbara knew she would be eager for a report on the appointment this morning. But much more had happened.

"Yes, and I met my donor."

"It was a living transplant?" There was surprise in her friend's voice, but that wasn't even half of it.

"It was Sister Julienne." As she spoke Tom rose and nudged Phyllis into the spot beside her. Phyllis was silent for several moments, Barbara handed over the note; it was easier to let the nun's own words explain it.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

That evening the story spread through the house, the nurses learned when they went to visit Barbara and her Sisters learned after compline. She had knelt to end her day in private prayer, so much had happened today, but the day was not over. The door opened and as she turned Sister Monica Joan wrapped her arms around her shoulders and she felt the woman's weight slide into her side.

"Oh." Sister Monica Joan gasped in surprise as she landed with a thud, and she found herself stabilizing the elderly Sister who she suspected had intended to perch on the edge of the bed. But she was unperturbed. "You have been granted a special task and kept it from us."

Her dear Sister had never been too concerned with the great silence, and they were lenient as the nurses they lived with did not have such observances and their work often required interruptions. But Sister Monica Joan was doggedly determined when she had an idea in mind, and she was the woman's current focus.

"I don't believe you would have done anything less if you were given the opportunity." Sister Monica Joan's wish in her mind but also her habits, she could be secretive when she had her reasons; this had been one Sister Julienne took. "I am fine, and it is done."

Rising slowly, she helped her Sister up but was not to escape so easily. Sister Monica Joan expounded her view of the situation for some time, and she suspected it was a taste of what was to come. Phyllis Crane was likely to have a strong opinion as well.

Alone again she picked up her prayer book and paused at a knock on the door; she did not have the energy for more explanations tonight. But paused as Valerie poked her head around the door. "How are you doing now that it has all come out?"

"I am fine." She felt herself relax, the young woman's concern was genuine and Valerie didn't have hard questions for her. "It is good that there are no secrets in it now."

"I think it is a relief to Barbara and Tom to know." Valerie murmured.

When she crossed to tuck the book back onto the shelf she fumbled, and Valerie quickly closed the space; bending down to scoop it up. For a moment the young woman paused, just holding the book and Sister Julienne watched.

"Isn't compline over?" The young woman frowned at the prayer book.

"It is, but with everything that is going on I wanted a moment." Valerie Dyer's beliefs interested her, dedicated to her profession the strong young woman didn't shy away from difficult things, and yet shied like a skittish horse at the notion of faith. It wasn't naivete to the meaning or a grudge, Sister Julienne felt sure she could have identified that as those responses were common; it was as though the young woman had shut herself off from it.

But that didn't stop her from turning up in the mornings to help her kneel, the first few days Valerie had come at each office of the day; not wanting her to struggle. At first she had thought the young woman avoided looking at her during those times because she felt out of place, or as though she were intruding but had come to decide it was something else. There was curiosity, it wasn't given words or even acknowledged between them, but even now Valerie still held the book and Sister Julienne did not move to take it from her.

"Can I ask you something?" Valerie's voice was quiet, and she nodded. "How did you know the religious life was for you? Not just being involved in a church but going all in."

"I realized I could not separate the profession I wanted to follow and my faith; my desire to nurse was entwined with my desire to serve God and the religious life, specifically this order validated that for me and nurtured both." There was much more to it but she had a feeling Valerie wasn't interested into her journey into the religious life as her departure from her first path.

"Was your family very religious?"

"Not overly, my choice was not the one my parents might have wanted. But they accepted it." In time they had come to respect it, and they had seen that it made her happy; certain aspects had taken longer for them to accept.

"Don't you ever question it? Seeing what people do to each other." Valerie still held the book in her hand, as if reluctant to put it away.

"At times." Life was hard, and it challenged her beliefs, but time had shown her that faith won out. Reaching out she took the book and tucked it into Valerie's pocket. "I've found, even when there aren't words to say reading words of prayer can help."

"Don't you…"

"No." She knew the words well, perhaps they would offer guidance to the young woman; answers to questions she may be willing to ask out loud. "Borrow it for a little while."

…

She wondered how much peace Sister Julienne had gotten since everyone knew, she had debated leaving her alone this morning. But there was something comforting in how calmly the nun began her day, centering herself before approaching the day.

This morning as she opened the door to go she thought of the worn book tucked into her drawer; she wanted to read it. Downstairs she found Phyllis in the kitchen. "Is Sister Julienne up? I've seen the other come from chapel."

"She is, she will be down soon." And Phyllis looked as though she had done a night shift of her own; Valerie poured herself a cup of tea.

Valerie slipped up to bed as the house woke up, the breakfast table would be awkward this morning and she wasn't sorry to miss it. But that awkwardness lingered around the house for some time, Sister Julienne was healing, and back to work under the watchful eye of the entire nursing staff. She knew it frustrated the woman at moments and suspected her move off midnights had been strategic as the nun worked the bulk of her shift as others slept.

It was the well-intentioned fussing that Sister Julienne had worked hard to avoid, her silence had been a shield. The nun chose to fight her battles in a different way, but she could appreciate the style, quiet determination and confident strength. Valerie had a feeling Sister Julienne's choice had forced them all to confront what they might have done in that moment; it was not necessarily a comfortable thought. And it had touched many lives.


	20. Chapter 20

Epilogue

One choice forged a unique bond between her and the Herewards, time moved them all from Poplar and over the years things changed. Barbara's health kept the Herewards living in the city for the next five years before finally the curate became a vicar and they moved to a small parish up north.

Others moved on from Nonnatus House as society changed and so did the order's purpose within the community. In time Sister Julienne did move as well, she obeyed the direction to fulfill another position in the order for a time and it took her far from home again.

Letters came and went regularly between them, even across great distances. Sister Julienne left Poplar for awhile, returning to Hope Clinic for a season there. When she returned she spent a few days with the Herewards and had the great joy of meeting their beautiful little daughter.

A precious child made even more so by the joy she brought to her parents which was wonderful to witness. Julia Hereward was a miracle child, while Barbara had been able to conceive the medicine she took, and her health had made pregnancy risky. But the baby had been born healthy, with Phyllis Crane on hand to deliver and Sister Julienne returned from South Africa to meet a lively little girl who was slightly spoiled.

Phyllis was a beaming godmother and had not only stayed in touch but followed the family north, settling in working for and organizing a local doctor. Valerie Dyer's spirit had been built in the East End, and as it changed she moved on, eventually becoming a foster parent in a poor community; she wrote often. Eventually Sister Julienne returned to Nonnatus house for a time and then to the mother house, but the family forged in the heart of the East End stayed with her always.

Many of them spoke often though certain parts of the past were ignored; something that worked very well for all of them. Sister Julienne did not live to see if Barbara's kidney failed and would never know how long it lasted. She did not regret her choice, the risk she took was worth it.

...

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to take to read or review this story.


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